June 08, 2022

Dear Diary, sorry I need to vent again but I'm having these intrusive thoughts about the whole dating situation again and there is no other way to share them with anybody. This time they are making me angry instead of sad but that is not much better.

Basically it's about Flirting and how it doesnt actually exist or if it exists is basically the same es sexual harassment. So everybody gives you this idea that this kind of smooth way of talking exists. It's almost always initiated by a man. He sees a woman he likes, goes over to her and starts talking about how it is so lonely around here or he makes compliments about her body. This is the myth of what flirting is supposed to be like, but it doesnt actually exist in that way (at least I dont think it does). It's portrayed like that in the media and when people talk about it they also act like this is what its like. The problem is that what they are actually showing is sexual herassment. Because the only difference between the two is that flirting is mutual and herassment is one sided. And if you go to some random woman ypu like and start talking like that to her what are the chances that she is also interested in you? 5%, maybe 3%? So even if you are lucky it means that you willingly accepted that you are probably sexually herass this person. And of you are not lucky you 100% just herassed that person. What a great lovely thing men are supposed to be doing right? *HEAVY SARCASM*

Now you will say, but Titus OF COURSE its not like in the movies! In reality its much more subtle. You just go over there and start a normal conversation, maybe drop some very small hints, compliment her shoes. And besides most of the time you already know the person you flirt with, so you can be *sure* that it's mutual!

And to this I say that these are excuses and delusions! First of all you either start a normal conversation with someone or you hit on them. There is no inbetween. If you are having a normal conversation then no girl will be interested in you. You will just be seen as weird. Best case scenario is you will become friends. That is because women sadly never initiate anything. Trust me I wish every day that it was different, but this is the sad reality. So sadly normal conversations dont fly. And if you drop subtle hints and have sexual or romantic intentions then there is not much difference to the less subtle approach. You are sexually herassing in a nicer, less severe way. Hooray? If you are so subtle that the girl doesnt understand it then you are lying too.

And about the familiar thing, that makes it even worse. That means its a breach of trust between friends. And just because you are friends with a girl doesnt mean that they will drop any hints either. So it really isnt any more mutual than with a stranger.

So what I'm saying is that flirting really sucks as a way of finding a partner. I'm sure its great when you are already in a relationship. But when you are not it always means that ypu are engaging in sexually/romantic behaviour with someone who has not previously agreed to it.

So why does everyone keep pushing this concept on to men? Why is it sold as the only way to find a girlfriend? Why do the same women who complain about failed flirting attempts from men, who are either clueless about what to do or abusing this very contradiction, still saying that they want "flirting"? It makes me so so so angry!!!

Like I already mentioned, what makes an already flawed idea like flirting even worse is that is combined with these toxic gender roles. If women did (or were allowed by society) to show their desires more openly, then flirting would work better. Since women dont have to worry about herassing men as much, they could express interest much more openly. In turn men could pick up on it and respond. But NOPE we cant have consent on this earth. Sometimes I think we are not very different from these islamist countries where women have to wear Burkas. Only the Burkas are in everybodys mind, not just the women. They are trying to protect women by making them surpress any interest in the other sex. But what they are really doing is creating a onesided situation that makes consent in the first stages of dating almost impossible. Of course it doesnt help that men are portrayed as the opposite, super sexual, which also creates unhealthy behaviour. This is why we live in a system where women become prey and men the predator, even if we dont want to.

I think this is all a lie. Women and men are just as interested in love and sex. There are differences in their views but they qre not as massive as we are led to believe. At least naturally they arent.

I remember the one time "flirting" actually happened to me. It was after I graduated from school and me and some friends went to the cinema. This girl was also there. I wrote about her a few times already. We knew each other since 6th grade. After I graduated I had experimented with growing a beard, since there werent people witnessing the awkward middle stages every day anymore. It wasnt that great, but that girl actually said : Nice, beard Titus! It was slightly sarcastic, but a real compliment none the less. So I automatically said back: Nice Haircut! She relly had a new one and I also said it with a bit of irony. But apparently that didnt matter since apparently that insignificant compliment actually worked. She suddenly stared at me without saying a word. And I stared back. It was an incredible feeling. But people were standing around us and one guy said "Well that was something" which broke the spell. The movie started. After that she moved to Vienna for college and I never saw her again. Tried to contact her when I changed my number a few years later. She never answered. But thats why I have kept the beard. I havent got a real compliment like that since. 8 years ago. Fuck.

People would probably call that flirting. But if that was flirting then it was nothing like the kind of flirting men are told they should do. It was mutual, because two people engaged in it and the first one who did was female. Thats how it should be. Of course once a more normal way of interaction has been established between men and women and men arent seen as predators like today, then men can better initiate too. Because roles change how our behaviour is seen. Right now men are throwing themselves into these onesided situations because they are told they have to. But if things were different I'm sure things would be much more natural. You could compliment women without any intentions and sometimes a flirting situation would happen. We would be free from being forced to risk sexually herassing someone.

Sigh... maybe in some parallel universe.