Dear Diary,i'm seriously getting older. 47 already! Thank God. And I must say...more and more the things i took for granted, that I sort of counted on fall to pieces.
Such as my looks. Only outward material ofcourse. Not the most important thing, i know. But, I didn't realise how important it still is to me. For example, i've been bullied for almost 16 years about my outward appearance. It was never good enough. I suffered seriously, day in, day out. Never said anything nasty in return. My responses were friendly. Well meant. Nor did I stand up for myself. After 12 years, I finally got the coureage to tell my parents. After my childish attempt to run from home. After I tried to "kill" myself. A childish attempt. Meaning, not thought through. Thank God. And here is the thing. I really didn't want to die. Couldn't think of a way out. I needed someone to show me. I believed what they said to me. Children, who can't think of the consequenses of their deeds and words. Most of them where not safe. And therefor I wasn't safe. The problem was (in many situations still is) safety. Adults should really do more to make sure children are safe. Teachers in school can make great changes. Parents also. I'm an adult now. With Gods help,I can offer a safe place. I can be a safe haven. Thank God my childish attempts failed. Since i know what it feels like, i can be a safe haven. If i would have killed myself ( impossible, wasn't my time to go) the world would have one safe haven less. There are others, but the children being brought on my path, often have none.
Although my life has not been easy. I wouldn't want to miss out on having a son. And all the people and lessons life brings. The beauty of nature, life in all its glory. Growing hurts but the endresult is amazing. Situations that seem useless, hopeless, not producing anything good, can be used for the good. Anyway, nowadays when just one person says something nasty about my looks, I freeze and am thrown back in my childhood years. It is a cripling fear. Even though, its coming from someone who hasn't reached his adulthood yet and is easy to forgive. So, I forgave. I forgave everyone. I'm not born to be a prisoner. I'm born to be set free, and be free. They all sang the same old song. But not anymore. I know someone who sings a whole different song about me, and to me. A lovesong while knowing me and all my shortcomings. Not through pink glasses. But through one that shows the truth about me. The glasses of merciful, authentic and deep love. I choose to listen to that. I even purchased a keychain with music notes on it. To remind me of that new song. For i am free.
And