The Big Question

A couple of days after my meet-up with Erwin in the mall, I reinstalled Bumble for reasons of idle importance but was nonetheless pleased with the now fixed problem I previously had in the app. My location was set back to my city again which was to me, quite a swell news. I know not exactly why I was swiping on men left and right again when deep down, I had no plans of seeing other guys behind Erwin's back even when my relationship with him was still uncertain (the topic wasn't brought up the last time we were together). Although, I did fantasize about meeting other people where it's nice and I don't have to feel any kind of discomfort with them even when we're not enveloped in a sexual ambiance; an area where to me, Erwin and I still lack, unfortunately. So to break it down, I guess my uncertainty with the man led me to still dribble around that app, otherwise I wouldn't have thought of downloading it again in the first place.

My account was new because I deleted the original one and here's when the problem began. As I was swiping images of men with not much thought in them, I came across a profile that made me stop all at once.

Now, whether or not he was actively pursuing other women there, it was still unknown. For what it could be, he might just have the app but leaving it as is. Still, it didn't stop my hypocrite arse from feeling bummed about it because despite me also being there myself, seeing his page really did upset me. Was he seeing other women after all? I couldn't just jump to conclusions but there are two sides in a doubt and my head was paying more attention to the darker side of it.

I didn't do anything with his profile, I just stopped swiping altogether while I let myself droop in gloom and unhappy thoughts.

Earlier that night, I was chatting with Four who had been to who-knows-how-many-countries-now since he left mine, and as always, he was flirting, but I told him: "I have a boyfriend now, by the way. Can't flirt much anymore ☹️"

It was partly a joke, of course, since I was still unsure whether Erwin really was my boyfriend or not.

Four replied with: "Aww, okay. Let me know when you're back to single."

Two hours later, after seeing Erwin's profile on Bumble…

It was a rather comical exchange—in which he laughed out loud to—but with my frustration and distress, I sought counsel from Mathieu and his opinion about my troubling thoughts since he's a man who uses dating apps as well.

Me: "Also, I've been dating someone for almost two months now."

Him: "Why you tell me that?"

Me: "Because I'm sad, Mathieu."

Him: "Why?"

Me: "I saw him on Bumble tonight ☹️ He's still using a dating app."

Him: "Oh 😕 It's maybe nothing!"

Me: "How can you say that? As a man, how can you say it's maybe nothing? I thought we were exclusive. Sigh… I'm just so bummed. Il m'a appelé sa petite amie alors j'ai pensé que pour lui, nous étions exclusifs."

Him: "He is subscribe, OK! But he don't speak with other girls! No?"

Me: "I don't like the idea of finding him there. He's seeing other girls, I bet."

Him: "So, explain him the situation."

Me: "No I won't. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to continue dating him as if I don't know anything. And then I'll also be seeing other men :)"

Him: "You are stupid 😭"

Me: "I'm obviously not his girlfriend, I'm just a 'convenient'. Someone he only wants to see when he feels like having sex. So I'm going to do the same!"

Him: "If you want to see other mans, you can, but if it's just to get revenge, it's stupid! You don't know if he sees other girls."

Me: "It's not revenge, I'm just keeping my options open like what he's apparently doing."

I also suggested the idea of making a fake profile—a pretty one—so when Erwin swipes right on it, I can squeeze truths from his mouth without the need to confront him. Mathieu supported this so I could finally obliterate my stubborn suspicions but I was far too lazy to execute such a plan. Maybe when I had been younger and a lot more insecure..

When Erwin messaged me what I was doing that night, I told him the truth. I told him I was thinking about him. Oh, but indeed I was.

Him: "Awww, how sweet."

Me: "Yes, I've been thinking a lot about you lately 🙂"

Me again: "A LOT."

Me more: "🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂"

Him: "Really? Haha. Why?"

Me: "Because I'm hot for you. And you're so fjejdj :'))"

I wondered if he found the amount of those smiley emojis creepy at all. Or whether he detected the backhandedness of my nauseating display of adoration.

As an impulsive retaliation, I made my Bumble page extra eye-catching; using gorgeous full-body pictures that capture my hourglass figure in fine places like the beach. Of course, I only posted one photo with my face on it because up until now, I'm still uncomfortable with these kinds of platforms. I'm really picky when it comes to men but this time, I decided to be even pickier, resulting in acquiring matches never reaching the number of ten. Out of all of them, I only talked to one (a Romanian guy) because to be honest, I really had no definite interest in engaging with other people let alone in plural form. Not with the kind of emotional state I had, anyway. I only had spare energy for one and it was quite a good pick, I must say, because the Romanian dude and I immediately hit it off. So much, in fact, that it seemed as though our conversations were almost like the ones I had with Chace back on the first lockdown..

He served as a good distraction that night but the day that followed, I saw something that only renewed and augmented my dubious thoughts and affliction for Erwin.

Before I could even gather my sentience to think, I immediately felt a knot in my stomach and it was so much tighter than the one from last time.

Confusion empowered my thoughts. What was even going on? Why was he doing this? Who was he? Did he really want to go on so many dates that he had to make two accounts?

(Oh, honestly, bitch. You've literally made two Bumble accounts yourself. Blasting hypocrite.)

My mind was running wild with answers written on air. Perhaps he saw my new page from his main account? He saw it and so he made another one to make a statement by showing me that whatever I was doing, he was doing, too?

Ugh..

Just like the previous one, I didn't do anything to this fresh profile of his so that whenever I wanted to, I'd still have the liberty to scan the page; and to my fair observation, I noticed some of his information wasn't the same as the ones from the first.

He had told me that he doesn't drink anymore because he got admitted to the hospital last year and as it turned out, his liver is no longer in its perfect condition; yet, in the 2nd account, it said he "drinks frequently".

It also said in the account I had matched with last February that he wasn't sure what he was looking for; yet, in the 2nd one, it stated he was looking for "something casual".

Ugh.

I just..

Ah.

Tss.

Yeah, yeah. It's a dating app. You're not obliged to be completely truthful but it just sucked altogether. However, it also didn't seem to be making any sense. If his account was new, it should've had that "new user" label on it but it didn't..

Plus, was he really that immature and petty to respond to my actions that way? It just seemed so unlike him..

I really took the time to read into things too much, huh. Because hey, what is asking, anyway? What is communication? Why ask to end this dramatic conjectures when you can make it even more dramatic?

It was then that I developed some kind of aversion towards dating apps. It's just.. it makes it so much easier for someone to just move on to the next person and there's plenty of them there to choose from that are way hotter and smarter and prettier and more accomplished. I mean, of course, this is always a convenience to those who have just gone through a heartache and need either a distraction or a quicker recovery; but how can one be ever satisfied when you know that a single click away, you might find greener grass?

Even I am guilty of that.

I originally wanted to address this to Erwin in person but seeing another page of him on Bumble pushed me to just do it on the phone. The childishness in me had had its hours governing my thoughts and actions but now it was time for the "grown-up" to take over. (Note how I put quotations on the word "grown-up".)

Me: "Did you see something that made you, I dunno.. question things? Or bummed you out? Or made you think like—'Whaat? Wtf?'"

(Ahh. Of course, I just had to be so vague first with these puzzling insufferable questions to test if he was aware of what I was talking about. Rolling my eyes. At myself.)

Him: "Good morning, babe. Hmm? Why?"

Me: "Because I saw something like it."

Him: "Huh? Why are you suddenly on that? Why? What's happening with us?"

(Legit, the word "us" made me shiver.)

Me: "Are we exclusive?"

Him: "Are you seeing anyone else? Or do you want to see anyone else?"

Me: "Sweetheart, my friend was using Bumble for the first time and I was there beside her when she was swiping left and right."

(There you go. Absolute "grown-up", indeed. Lying. Playing innocent.)

Me: "And I saw you there so it just made me question. It really bummed me out so I went ahead to overthink. That you're seeing other people."

Him: "Ah, I've had Bumble for a long time. I just haven't deleted it."

Me: "So out of impulse, I made another account thinking I'll do the same (cos I deleted my previous one), and… I saw another profile of yours 😭"

(I sent a screenshot.)

Him: "Damn. That's a lot of accounts, indeed. Haha. I guess that was when I was still new on the app and was testing things out."

Hmm.. Okay. Well.. if you put it like that, the outdated "drinks frequently" would make sense, I guess..

I asked him if I could call and he said I could and that was when the most awkward conversation of my dating life occurred.

I began it with a sweet "hi" because that's just how I always greet him. When he asked me how I was, I just immediately went straight back to: "Are we exclusive?" — which was delivered by yours truly with timid sheepishness. "Or do you want to see other people because you absolutely can, just tell me.."

"Hmm.. I guess we are. I mean, I'm not seeing anyone else," he replied, his voice unceasingly calm and soothing. Gosh, I really hated him.

"So we are exclusive," I stated for clear confirmation.

"Yes, babe. That seems to be it."

"So we won't be seeing other people."

"No. Haha."

"Alright."

I should've ended the questions there, right? I should've just been satisfied with what transpired from that transaction but no. Oh no, no, no.. I still had to go on and drop another bomb. Can you blame me though? I wanted clarifications and since I've already started it, I just went on ahead to add: "Are you my boyfriend?"

And there it was. The big question finally popped.

He didn't answer right away. He hummed to express his undecidedness before saying: "I'll think about it first."

This was when I became even more flummoxed.

Because I didn't understand..

I didn't understand at all..

But he called me his girlfriend…

"Okay," I said, my sweet tone unchanged (I hope).. I know I've been saying here it's too soon to be in a committed relationship with him and how much it freaked me out when he called me his "girlfriend", but.. When he hesitated and said he'd think about it, it still stung nonetheless. What changed? What changed his mind?

"Do you want me to be?" he followed up.

Oh..

Well, fuck. I didn't expect that.

Jeez, I really am one to talk, am I? I just can't figure out what I want at all! At least he managed to say he'd think about it! Or even let out a hum! Whereas I just legit FROZE. For FIVE full minutes.

Kidding. For five seconds at most.

Ah, blast it. No word escaped my mouth at all. Just dead silence. Nada. It was agonizing.

He finally broke it off with a chuckle and a: "Okay, you think about it, too."

What came next after that, I no longer recall. But there you go. The crucial confrontation has been made. And from what I can gather, I'm his girlfriend but he's not my boyfriend..? Is that even possible in a relationship?

AHH! I JUST HATE CONFRONTATION.

I will never do it again! Why would I even want someone who hesitated to be my boyfriend to be my boyfriend? Ugh. Just confound it all.

Perhaps he finally realized my non-girlfriend qualities..

I switched my Bumble to "BFF Mode" and deleted every man I matched from "Date Mode" except the one from Romania. I imparted to him my situation with Erwin and the latest drama that eventuated. We continued talking for days, still flirting and everything, until he finally asked why I was still at it even when I was already in an exclusive relationship.

My response was: "I'm not 'seeing' you. All we do is harmless texting and calling and I see nothing wrong with that."

He was still in Romania as we talked although he was already planning to be in my city this July and was just making friends first before his arrival. But truth be told, deep down, I knew I was just preparing for a possible downfall of my relationship with Erwin by establishing some kind of "friendship" with this Romanian so that the moment the break-up occurs, I won't have to go through the whole process of swiping pictures of men left and right again in the name of renewing my confidence, or just feeling good about myself—in the midst of a momentary self-destruction caused by a rupture; no matter how light or serious the relationship had been. I guess it's how I subconsciously protect myself, I think.. Besides, I really did want to meet the Romanian. We had a thing going on that I wished Erwin and I had.. Private jokes, late night talks.. We even invented some terms and words that I found rather brilliant.

We had a dispute for a bit about the definition of "exclusive" and man, I really was ignorant. To put an end to the argument, I went to Google and realized I boldly asked Erwin if we were something I didn't even fully understand.

Because…

Well.. that ought to put an end to it. Erwin's always so busy these days and sometimes, when I'm lonely and want attention, he can't attend to me so the thought that I could at least run to someone else online when these episodes pay me a visit was a little comforting.. But apparently, "exclusivity" doesn't work like that.

My communication with the Romanian immediately ceased after a week of having matched together. I put myself into this "exclusive deal" so I gotta uphold what's been agreed on. Drat. I even dragged Erwin into it.. The poor guy..

I finally swiped right on both of his accounts just because; and I matched with him again on the main one, which, to my audacious annoyance, only stirred the recently fixed troubling thoughts I had because I imagined him swiping images of women on his phone and it wasn't a pleasant sensation... I had to remind myself again that I was literally just doing the same thing not long ago. Perhaps he opened his Bumble when I brought forth my worries to him that centered around this very app itself and just wanted to check my new profile, no big deal.. I sent him a message there but the availability period of the chat had long expired before he could even respond. Whether or not he saw it and chose to ignore the message was unimportant now. I should really take into consideration that he's a very busy man who doesn't have much time for dating apps.. Or that he's just a very busy man in general. Point-blank. Whatever he does with his free time, it's none of my business anymore nor was it ever mine to begin with. The agreement has been sealed and it's all just a matter of trust now.

I have to go shower. Till next time.