May 25, 2022

Yesterday I helped organizing a debut party. I've been a part behind many debuts before, especially of my close friends. 

Back when I was just newly turned teen, the concept of debut is not that significant to me. I don't know why it is the most awaited part of the people around me. Maybe I was indifferent because I grew up not having a lavish party on my every birthday. My family is not the kind to celebrate those things. I don't have delicious food on my birthdays, I didn't received many gifts, special treats or anything. Well, my 7th birthday is an exception because my uncle funded for that party but that is all that I could have. I couldn't invite my friends in my house, I never enjoyed a celebration with them. So, growing up, I've been very insecure and jealous. I have never felt special on my birthdays and my parents couldn't care less. So from that on, I always hated my birthday and I would always hide from everyone on that day. I don't want people to remember and ask if I have a party or whatsoever. In fact, it made me feel anxious every time my birthday is coming. My parents always said we don't have enough money to do those things, they would always be practical, and as a child, I felt neglected. Why can't they give me what I want?

Turning 18, an official legal age became a customary tradition to celebrate. I always knew that I would never have a debut party. My family couldn't afford one. It was okay for me because I don't have a choice. But it still made me so anxious and jealous of people. My classmates, my peers, all of which I have seen how extravagant and special they are on their debut, my heart is crushed. I could never have that once in a life big celebration. That day I didn't think much of it. I'm just grateful and I have made a card for myself and maybe cried a little. Some of my closest people take an initiative to at least make a very simple party in our church. It was fun but it still made me feel ashamed and pity for myself.

And so now, I am still feeling that way every time someone is celebrating their 18th Birthday that I wish I had experienced. I couldn't give myself what I could do for others. Maybe I hated my parents in a way, believe me I understand them. What makes me sad more is that they only did barely minimum effort to make me feel special on my days. Beyond the material things they couldn't give me, I also didn't felt loved. 

I guess debut party makes me relive all the painful memories of my birthdays, and my nonexistent celebrations. It am still emotional until now. I cried while typing this, maybe because I tried so hard to pretend I am okay yesterday even though all I could feel in my heart is envy.