May 23, 2022 #180


Dear Diary, I’m hella tired. 

My job isn’t full time job. It’s part time. Today’s shift was only five hours. Sitting in front of a pc, waiting for the students who might come to checkout/in books. Cutting laminated sheets. 3h of commuting times. That’s it. This makes me feel like a stupid with tiny brain. Yep it can be the truth tho. I had been depressed for several years. Is it like this to get back on my own truck? Or not? I suddenly skipped doctors appointment and never contact them after that. So they might think I’m dead. They had given me the maximum amount of zoloft. Then I suddenly stopped because I couldn’t go and see or even call my doctor. That was a terrible experience. Eww! Don’t do that. 

I’m studying for an Language exam. I already payed the fee. But I can’t study for it. What am I doing. 

I did my tiny art bombing today. They looked cute. But at the same time, instead of trying to make people smile, am I just making plastic wastes? That’s the struggle mmm. 

Street art isn’t art here. I realized most of people don’t m care about tiny little pretty things around them. They only see something that authority says yes to. Like Banksy for example? 

I’m like this so I don’t know how to belong the “main part’’ of the society. 

I want to live more humanly but I don’t know how. I am such a loser who can’t choose the way to live. Meh!

How long is my life like this? I had enough. 

My little sister with d.s. still has audibly hallucinations sometimes. Not that terrible. Very light ones probably. I think it shows the beginning of the brain shrink. 

That will be so hard to watching it beside of her, while looking back our good memories. And also it hurts me 

that my parents don’t show their worries towards our future. I wish I were more relatable member.  

Aaaand the entry above shows how my brain usually goes when it feels very tired. So I don’t know if those are enough to worry or not. Remember what Hagrid told to Harry, “What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does.“ This is so important yes yes…