i just don't want these little attempts amount to nothing. i'm worried that my professor would roast me during my presentation this coming wednesday, that my presentation is far from what she expected. i don't know where to start. i'm afraid that i will sabotage this semester again. i hate how i type and how much i pressure myself when i mistype the words because i've already been practicing touch typing for almost a year now. my wpm went into a plateau and never increased. i'm afraid to reconcile with the fact that i will be average. i hate how i communicate my political grievances to my dad and to my brother, i hate how i haven't convince them until now.
i don't think i can do ambitious thinks and that i'll just stay as i am right now. i don't know, i want to cry but i can't.
my relationship with my boyfriend is long overdue. i keep on dismissing the fact that i've outgrown past the need of him; that i don't need him anymore. i don't love him, it's just that i got used to him being there.
my brain is full of what ifs and imagining the worst case scenario, i know we are wired to do just that; but it's fucking tiring.
i wish i have a circle of friends in my college. i wish that i have a 2nd home in my uni, an org that i'm proud to be a part of. i would love to have that clout and the passion to be a part of something bigger.
i wish i didn't felt tensed up around my "only" college "friend." i just don't vibe with her anymore.
i wish i am what they would describe as an "alpha woman." i wish i've been an assertive teenager, and everything would be so different to me right now.
i wish whoever ate that bat soup in China didn't ate it. i wish it got spoiled or left uneaten. that way we wouldn't have to deal with this whole shitshow.
i wish the fall of capitalism would happen sooner. that way everybody would realize that politics, economy, and national borders are imaginary.
i just want a good cry. but i ended up with a bunch of incohesive ramblings. i can feel the warmth of the bottom of my laptop against my lap. i hope i won't go sterile.
i wish my brain didn't operate on a scarcity mindset for so long. unlearning is so hard... i wish i was raised in an environment where i didn't have to unlearn so many trauma and toxic tendencies.