Dear Diary, I thought about it and I guess it doesn’t matter if Belle reads this or not. If she does its her problem not mine for invading my privacy. She cant be mad at me because it was her decision to read this and I never said anybodys real name here. Worst she can do is ghost me or sth. That would be sad but if the real me is that bad to her then I guess I cant help it. I don’t think she is actually reading this though.
The other day I was really scared about actually growing bald. It was probably a false alarm, but it still worries me a lot because it would mean that the sense of self I always envisioned for myself will never be realized. My self that is already eroding will crumble down and a worse version of me will emerge. I will never be the quiet, nerdy but also kind of handsome looking guy that I always wanted to be. Easily overlooked, but he does have a girlfriend. If I grow bald then I will either look like an ugly quiet guy or like a brutal egghead if I completely shave it. I don’t think I would look completely terrible that way, but it wouldn’t fit my self image at all. And I don’t think the kind of girls I'm thinking of would see me as a guy they can talk about Anime with. Then again what has chasing that kind of image ever done to me? And what do I know about girls? That kind of nerdy girl who loves baldies probably exists. Maybe even tons of them. If so life must be beautiful for them with so many bald men all around. Knowing my luck they would be uninterested in me for some other reason though. Like maybe they only like that brand of "confident" I always hear about.
Maybe you think that I'm vain thinking about that so much. You have to understand though, that if you are in a position where nobody has ever shown any interest in you and you haven’t gotten a compliment in ages then such a big change that is definitely for the worse is extremely scary. Yes men don’t have it as bad as women, because they aren’t relentlessly criticized for their appearance all the time, which is an injustice to women btw. But that only means that we live in this kind of grey zone where nothing really matters but maybe it does. Do you need to have hair as a man? Maybe, maybe not. Do you need to be buff? Maybe, maybe not. It means that we cant really get any clear points for our appearance unless we are literally super models. But we also cant be sure that our appearance doesn’t matter at all. Your looks is one of the most obvious things to approve after all. However we never know if we are even improving in that regard.
Lately I noticed some behavior from women that does seem positive, even if it just means that I’ve sunken even deeper into the friend zone. My friend C. seems to be really comfortable with changing clothes around me. Granted none of these times were in private so other people could see her changing too. I was closest to her though. One time while we were sitting in the grass, she changed her top so she was only wearing her bra for 5 seconds or so. And the other time we were sitting on this balcony at our uni and she took of her shoes and her pantyhose because it was hot and she was sitting there the whole time with her bare feet and legs. At first she pointed her legs away from me. She mumbled some excuse for it, that I acoustically didn’t understand. Maybe she was afraid she was smelling? After a while she just sat on that lounge chair normally. Now I’m not a foot fetishist or anything, but I do like womens feet and their legs even more. So this was a nice occasion. Previously at one of the times in the grass when it wasn’t that warm yet I could even see her unshaven legs and I have to say that I like unshaven legs on women too. It’s one of my fantasies to compliment my girlfriend on her fuzzy legs. The fact that this is seen as something men usually dislike makes it even better.
However it wasn’t all going well with my friendship with C. Next week there is a Japanese Film Festival in our city. On Wednesday I will be going to Inu-oh with Knight, C her boyfriend and some people from Spikes Ghibli tutorium. I am really looking forward to it. On Thursday C. and I wanted to go to a Final fantasy and Anime concert. I had assumed that we would get the tickets together since each time you order tickets from the festival you have to pay a booking fee of 2€. That’s why Knight bought the tickets for Wednesday in one go. So yesterday C. messaged me that she and her boyfriend will be going to the movie Popran on Sunday, saying they already bought the tickets and showed me their seats so I could buy one next to it. We had previously talked about that movie ( its about a guy whose lost penis flies with high speeds through the skies of Tokyo) but I wasn’t sure about going there. Plus I found it weird that she hadn’t waited to buy the tickets so I would have to pay the extra fee all by myself. So I asked about the concert and it turned out she had bought those too already. I was a bit bummed out by that but still answered “ah ok 😊” But after that I wasn’t in the mood to immediately buy my ticket. Aaand today it turned out they were sold out. That really sucks. It might not be that bad though, because the real reason I was hesitant to go to the movie with them, was that it often makes me really sad when I’m alone with a happy couple. From experience I know that there is nothing worse than being at some public space feeling like you need to bawl your eyes out but you cant because it would be super inappropriate and you cant explain that the reason for this is sitting right next to you. This is the kind of stuff that people with a dating impairment would never understand I think. It’s a pain that you cant share with anybody.
Oh yeah the other sign. It was that Belle keeps walking really close to me. I don’t know why she does it, but it pretty much means that our only physical contact is my arm occasionally bumping into hers when we walk. Its kinda nice I have to say. And its definitely her that’s doing this, because I never get close to women in fear of being scary to them. Again though, this 99,9% doesn’t mean anything. It’s just the usual tease from women that never want anything from me. Belle isn’t doing so well by the way. She is under a lot of stress searching for jobs, since her parents don’t give her money anymore and she wants to finish her studies asap. At the same time she is acting in a play that just had its premiere. Maybe I will go there on Thursday instead. Tomorrow I will probably meet up with her again.
Another thing I observed now that I’m hanging out with multiple women at a time more and not just with one each is that women really compliment each other all the time. I thought it was just that it happens a bit more between them, but it actually happens SO much. They compliment each others clothes so often and most of the time its not even to break an awkward pause or sth. Meanwhile women never compliment men and I or other men never compliment them. Its like any interaction with men automatically turns it into sth sexual and that is so sad. Its like a wall between the genders. And ironically if this wall didn’t exist I think the whole reason for this (men seeing these kind of compliments as only flirting) would go away. Right now compliments are seen as a way for men to fight for female attention and any compliment from them needs to be seen as sexual interest since those signs from are so scarce. But if there was a more natural relationship between men and women this kind of fierce flirting would be unnecessary. Everyone would be much more comfortable with each other and it wouldn’t feel like a fight to make a girl interested in you.
Speaking of which I actually tried to get closer to a girl these last two weeks. It was Spike. After we went into Everything, Everywhere all at Once I had an official Whatsapp conversation with her since she sent me the screenshot of my ticket. I was hesitant to message her, but since I wasn’t planning on texting any sexual innuendo or being super insistent I thought it was ok. So I messaged her about Inu-Oh since we had previously talked about another work from the same director. I said that I saw the movie in the program. My message was sent at 20:00 and she answered at 7:30 in the morning. Why at that time? She said that the movie had been on her watchlist for a while and she wanted to see it. I answered that the times weren’t that great for it though, since she is living in a city a bit further away and the only showing during the day is during our Japanese zoom class. She answered with a sad emoji and that she might skip class for it. I joked about just doing the zoom class from inside the cinema and she joked back that our teacher could watch the movie too that way. I answered that would be great since the movie probably has a lot of new vocabulary. (That is my kind of dry awkward humor kind of cringe I know) she didn’t answer on that. And after Knight and I watched the Northman the other day I messaged her again saying that knight and her friend who also goes to Spikes tutorium would like to come too. She didn’t answer again, but said when we met at the Japanese class that she probably wouldn’t have have. She repeated this when Knight asked her in the group chat of the tutorium too. I don’t think I will message her again for a while at least. No idea if that went well or not. She always answered really slow and she probably does not care for some acquaintance guy messaging her all the time. But of course I had my fantasies of her being in the same situation as me never having had a boyfriend and being all shy about someone finally showing interest in her. Like always that is probably a fantasy.
The other day I had a dream about that old friend from school. The one that I helped with bullying once and that I like to think might have been actually interested in me. In that dream she was in my room when I woke up and it was so nice to see her. She smiled at me and just casually hugged me all the time. It was so natural and exactly what I’ve been wanting all these years. We felt like old friends again even if I havent seen her in almost 10 years. It was completely ok to touch her, she was even happy about it. Oh and for some reason she had also brough a present. It was a bunch of these chocolate easter bunnies, the golden Lindth ones (no idea if people know these outside of Germany). Yeah that was such a nice dream… too bad I had to wake up to go to Uni.
best wishes 4 u