Dear Diary,
A lot of people are leaving. A lot of changes. Emilie, filippa, raphael,....the list goes on and on. It's a little sad, but I'm sure I'll see them again.
I am grateful for going on a hike with ameya today. We went up the panorama trail. It was fun. To share moments with other human beings is lovely. He brought chai for us. I took doritos. Lol. He's a chill person to hang out with. I hope we stay in touch.
In the afternoon, Kalle had asked me if I wanted to hang out during the summer. Yes, I said. I don't want to stay home all week and weekend working. More human contact would be nice. I think i'll ask him if he wants to visit san hose with me. And go to the mallu restaurant. It would be fun to see what a danish surfer bro thinks of kappa and meen curry. I am always kinda cautious around him. He thinks my snarky humour is funny. What he doesn't know is, it's my form of self defence mechanism when I am around people who make me feel self conscious. He's too pretty, gives off too much of a surfer bro vibe, has an entourage of beach blondes around him wherever he goes, is a mini celebrity on instagram...I mean, is it normal for such people to want to hang out with nerdy girls? Whatever, at this point, I am just grateful that I have people in my life who don't make me feel lonely.
Gratefulness is something I have been feeling over the past couple days a lot. I am glad Santhosh is a very patient, understanding and a smart manager. I was so anxious on my first day, but when he pulled up that 30-60-90 document, I relaxed like 80%. The remaining days have been very good. Except may be the one-on-ones. He's a little introverted, and kinda looks over at me until I start the convo. But i can work around that. Not the biggest concern. I am so grateful for his mentorship and guidance.
Christopher nolan was at south hall again filming oppenheimer. grateful for that as well :p
I have to go say one last bye to raphael tomorrow. I met him yesterday to say bye, and i was running from getting the clothes and it was a very hot and dry day. I was THIRSTY as fuck, and running up to the campanelle, I felt like I might faint, then I saw him just standing there on top of the stairs with 2 glasses of what could only be mango lassi. My heart just went, bruh.YOU ARE THE BEST.
We had a very good conversation reflecting on life at berkeley. In the end, he said he's glad we were able to get over silly arguments and still be friends. He thinks i'm a very open minded person. haha. he called me 'great'. I smirked. I could only think back to the epic argument i had with jakob on the same matter. He just kept showering all these complements and i felt like i was gonna tear up. almost. he said, he considered me one of the true friends he made in berkeley. we talked about friendships, conversations, cross cultural friendships, peripheral friendships etc..it was a very deep talk that i really enjoyed. he made me sign in his diary. there was another name there as well. he said, whenever he felt down, he could open the book and look at all the people who make his life happier. it was too sweet. and offcourse very french of him. he offered me the himalayan flags as a gift, which i am to collect tomorrow before he leaves. emilie had gifted them to him, and now , he wants to gift them to me. i am not sure if she's gonna like this, but he is too insistent. i mean its technically his belonging now and he can do whatever he wants with it, but still do i really want to receive it? i really do not know.
It gives me great sorrow to think they can't be friends anymore. I wish they could be. But things have become so irrevocably broken between them, i can only wish. why do friendships have to break so badly? but it's very similar to me and jakob. our friendship is also broken. there's no going back. once a thread breaks, you can knot it back, but there's always a knot there, it will never be the old smooth piece of string again. i do not miss him, but i miss the feeling of being able to respect someone deeply, appreciate them for their quirks, stand closely to watch and cheer them in their journey. All those friends are so far away, we are growing old and apart. I am worried that people in my life would grow into people i can no longer understand, because we grow older and wiser away from one another, and without shared context, we might no longer be able to understand each other, and just drift apart.
life has taken so many unexpected turns in the past year. people i expected to lean on are leaving, and some others are showing me unexpected warmth that i would not even have imagined.
the only thing you can do is to be grateful for the present, and for the kindness of the people who grace those moments.
Love,
M