The One-Month Wall

 

[ENTRY 98..✍️]

After about a month of having not seen each other since my declared avoidance of being with Erwin, he and I finally met up again.

It was a Sunday afternoon when I told him my original plan to go somewhere was canceled due to the advent of my menstrual cycle.

Him: "You just got your period? First day?"
Me: "Yep."
Him: "Damn, it's been a while we have seen each other, then. A month already."
Me: "Yeah. Something like that. Meet me in Little Italy."
Him: "Where's that?"
Me: "No idea. Haha. The line just popped in my head."
Him: "Oh, I thought we were going to meet somewhere 😂"
Me: "I'm bored. I wanna do something. But at the same time, I feel fatigued. And sleepy. But I don't wanna sleep yet."
Him: "It's because of the period, I guess.
Me: "Fucking hormones. I miss you."
Him: "Let's meet. I miss you, too."

So we decided to meet up at the same place we had our first rendezvous—the biggest mall in the city—and I swear, it's always so awkward during the initial moments. At least for me. When I saw him emerge into my vision when I entered the building, it was like I was noticing how really tall, good-looking, and intimidating he was for the first time; things I've noticed before but feel differently about now. We hugged and as soon as we started walking, self-consciousness wrapped its way all over me and made my insecure senses even more sensitive to the little interactions between us I unfortunately interpreted as "awkward". It's like meeting him for the first time again and we're both strangers. As if all those days we haven't been together created another wall between us for us to break. And it seems the longer the days, the thicker and higher the wall becomes.

The momentarily lack of comfort in each other's company resonates throughout the amount of silences that fall between us. Or maybe I'm just the one feeling this way because I always worry about the state of my companionship when I'm with people I'm not that comfortable with… Especially when I particularly care about what those people think of me.

On our first date, he had so much to say but I know it was because he had to make an effort to place a good impression on me. Well, he got me now so he didn't need to tell me a bunch of stories to entertain me anymore. Plus, we don't really have a lot in common… But that's probably because we don't know each other that much yet and haven't discovered the rest of each other's interests; which, by the way, is an incredibly slow process to get to because we don't talk so much on the phone, either.

I wasn't feeling it at all as we walked side by side, suddenly regretting ever agreeing to this. He stopped at a shoe store to check out if he'd find something he'd like to buy. I don't know squat about men's shoes nor do I care for brands so my opinions about it bear the same quality as my confidence. If he was to ask for my thoughts, I could only comment on the colour. And that's exactly what happened.

"Are you collecting shoes?" I asked, knowing he and his friends are shoe enthusiasts based on a YouTube video I've watched that features him.

"Nah, just for daily wear," he answered, weighing a white Nike shoe on his hand.

"I've watched your friend's vlog, the one where you guys were going over your other friend's shoe collection. Over a hundred pairs.. Damn. That's a lot," I stated, showing the amazement in my voice though ever so nonchalantly. Just to have something to say, for the love of Jupiter ..

"Yeah, that friend of mine owns a BPO company and is a massive shoe fanatic."

You don't say. The guy has shoes where you can charge them and whatnot whereas I've never even shopped for shoes my entire life (except for school shoes). Well, to be fair, our family business consists of selling shoes and I just grab whatever catches my eyes. But even so, I've never paid too much mind about where it came from, its mark, price, nor its quality. When it looks good on me and comfortable enough, then that's it. I don't care about the details. The same goes for clothes. Suffice it to say that my ignorance in that area and the content in my wallet were making me feel inferior.

I wandered away from the store and checked out other things nearby because the prices of those shoes intimidated me. Erwin intimidated me. I looked at paintings and plants and lamps and candles.. all the while thinking I wanted out. I wanted to end whatever this thing we have. We're too different. I especially hate how he wears the simplest outfits and still looks expensive. I hate how he looks at me and I don't know what he's thinking. And I certainly hate how being with him makes me think and feel this way.

I looked for him when I got farther away but watching him over there casually checking shoes after shoes only stirred the annoyance and irrational anger I was already feeling. Should I just go and escape this godforsaken discomfort? I'm sure he wouldn't notice… I mean, just look at him nonchalantly trudging about as if he owned the mall.. Ulch. Thank God for the compulsory wearing of a mask, no one could see the faces I was making because dear me, it wasn't pretty. It's childish but I just can't help it, not when pessimism gets a hold of my mental state.

After some time, he came up to me whilst this lady was advertising the humidifier I was checking out which also served as a lamp. It certainly looked lovely but far too modern for the decoration I had in mind. I've been planning to transfer to another room and have been thinking of the kind of aesthetic I could accessorize it with.

"Didn't find anything?" I asked Erwin as we walked away, having noticed he had nothing in hand.

"Nah, bla bla ble blu."

I honestly forgot what he said so he didn't actually say that.

When we rode the escalator side by side, he bent down and whispered, "Wanna hang out in the car and make-out?"

"I'm hungry," was my reply. I was feeling light-headed because I didn't have lunch. And how could he just casually suggest such a thing as if he wasn't feeling the same discomfort as I was?

Hmm.. Perhaps it really was just all in my head.

And maybe the mood I was in was also caused by my period where everything is amplified. And at that time, I was subdued by negativity where the moment I feel one, it creates another, and then another, and so on. So imagine a pack of this on your shoulders: insecurities, low self-esteem, inferiority complex, overthinking, social anxiety—all intensified. The only way I could think of to get rid of all of those was to break it off with Erwin. But I didn't know how.. How was I even to begin it? Ah, it would be so much better if he'd just disappear on his own and leave me ghosted..

"What do you want to eat?" he queried.

I thought for a moment, examining the desire of my tongue. After a few seconds, I'd decided I wanted cake and so we walked for several minutes looking for blueberry cheesecake, my favourite. I was beginning to get annoyed at how tall he is and how small I am. Which was funny because I've always found our height difference cute and adorable.

My arse. I looked like his daughter.

"Why do you have to be so tall?" I asked in 'playful' annoyance. He just laughed. Fuck him.

Crumbs from the one-month wall broke off a little when he held my hand, but it still stood high and sturdy and I was still in a sour mood.

We roamed around the top floor to hopefully find a cake shop but I was beginning to feel I was being such a pain to him because we couldn't find one in sight. We passed restaurants after restaurants, pausing once in a while to hopefully spot an alternative that would pique my cravings.

"Do you want to eat a full meal?" he asked.

"Hmm.. pasta would be nice," I replied. "Aren't you hungry? Have you had dinner?"

"Not yet but I had an afternoon meal, so.."

He actually said more than that but I was too famished to pay attention to the rest of what he was saying. More walks and no pasta carbonara.

"Ooh! Moshi Manju!" I blurted out, having thought of another alternative.

"What's that?"

"A Korean cake."

"Blueberry, then pasta, and now that.. What is it that you want exactly?" He chuckled good-naturedly.

Oh, no… Was I coming off as the girl I don't want to become? The one who can't make up her mind what to eat on a date..?

"Blueberry cheesecake," I answered, hiding my indignation. "But it doesn't necessarily have to be exactly that because I might find something else I might like..."

Grr. I hate him! If he was annoyed, he didn't show it. Like what I was doing.

"Now where can we find this Korean cake.." he mused to himself whilst we continued strolling hand in hand.

"Let's just ask someone. A guard," I suggested.

We didn't spot any guard in the vicinity so I approached the nearby vendor in this certain shop and asked him whether he knew if there was a stall of Moshi Manju around.

"Hmm.. I'm not sure but maybe you can find it at the food court," the vendor replied.

And there we went. Unfortunately, we still didn't find any but we stopped in front of a stall that sells Japanese cakes in the shape of a cupcake and guess what? Blueberry cheesecake was available! I purchased two, a coffee-kahlua-flavoured one, and a bottle of water. Whereas Erwin ordered one bahlala cake. It wasn't really "bahlala", sorry. I just forgot the name. I tend to forget a lot of things when I'm hungry.

The lady put our orders in a box and once we set off to go, Erwin asked where I'd want to eat them and to my surprise, I absentmindedly hummed and said: "Your car..?"

It was too late to realize I'd be alone with him. Fuck. Well, things couldn't get any more awkward, right?

We walked around the enormous parking space for a couple of minutes before we got to his vehicle. As soon as we were inside (masks off now), he unrolled a… I think it was some kind of aluminum foil—and used it to cover the windshield. For an instant, it awakened and alarmed the maiden conservative in me as if I was still an innocent, seventeen-year-old virgin. Of course he had to "cover" it. He's a man, I'm a woman, we're… ahem… "dating", we hadn't seen each other in a month.. Some things were about to happen, obviously. 

Suppressing any sign of nervousness from even coming through, I began opening the box of sweets when he interrupted and said, "Wait."

When I turned my head from the box to look at him, he was already leaning in, saying: "Lemme kiss you first."

Simultaneously tipping my chin with his finger to level my face with his, he planted an embrace on my unprepared lips. It was a quick, gentle and sweet kiss ..

Huh..

It felt oddly familiar.
Like our first kiss at the skypark…
The one I called "lousy".
Why did I call that one lousy?
Because it had been quick and minimal? Do feelings have something to do with the change? I have feelings for him now? 

(The "experiment", bitch.)

I resumed opening the box but I had trouble with it so he did it instead. Then I commenced to take bites on my blueberry cheese cupcake and him on his. It seemed he couldn't wait to have me in his embrace without any restraint this time for when he put aside what was left of his dessert after devouring half of it, he was now an inch from my face whilst I still hadn't even swallowed mine.

"You're still eating?" he gently asked, pulling a little away when he noticed I was keeping my mouth shut. Although, I didn't really mind if he had kissed me right then.. Hehe.

I only nodded in response, smiling a toothless smile as I tried to swallow the contents in my mouth.

He chuckled and said, "Alright. Go on first."

After clearing my throat with water and deciding the cake could wait, no sooner did we find ourselves making out.

More of the wall crumbling down.

"Have you ever had sex here?" I asked whilst my arms were still around his neck, flashing the interior of his car a once-over.

"No, I don't really like doing it in a car."

"Why not?" I questioned, meeting his gaze.

"It's messy. Where am I to release? On a tissue? I don't like it on a tissue. Hmm.." he answered with such casualness, then added: "I don't wanna use my handkerchiefs, either. I love my handkerchiefs."

Well, you could only imagine the disappointment that struck me upon hearing that. I've never had car sex and want to try it, as what I've already mentioned here. I also want to give the guy an oral while he's driving. I mean, that's fucking hot. He doesn't know where to cum? Try in my mouth. Psh.

Of course, I didn't suggest such an idea yet. I feel it's still too early to show him my appetite for such sexual activities. And I fear he's way too vanilla for that. Might get his precious car "dirty".

"So this has never been christened," I went on.

"No.. You wanna be the first to do so?" he inquired, beginning to kiss me again, instantly rekindling the heat that had been shortly interrupted.

"It would be an honour."

It was a little uncomfortable in the front so we moved to the backseat. I'm tiny so I didn't need to get out. It was really comfortable over there: spacious with leather cushions.

It wasn't long before I climbed onto his lap and just like that, the entire wall that had been built up for a month between us completely broke down. This.. this is my domain. This is where I rule. Idk if it was the cake but suddenly, the self-consciousness and insecurities I had from a while ago left my system and in turn, taken over by this salacious confidence of mine that had now entirely awakened. How sad that I only feel comfortable with him in this kind of set-up. How sad that the foundation of our relationship relies solely on our physical connection. I snaked my arms around his neck and stared into his eyes, our faces inches apart, his hands on my back.. Then our lips collided and I ran my hands into his hair, my hips moving responsively against the rhythm of his lap. He placed his hands on my buttocks and would push it to press me deeper against his crotch at every downward motion I'd make, augmenting the burning sensation I was already feeling whenever I'd meet the protrusion of his awake member under his pants. We were at it for a couple of minutes—French kissing and moaning and sucking our breaths away—when he paid heed to the rocking of the car from the movement of our bodies grinding against each other. We paused and I looked at the tinted windows and asked, "Could people see us from outside?"

"Not really," answered he, "but if they flashed a light then yes."

I turned my face back to him and boldly whispered against his lips: "Let them watch.."—before kissing him again.

With our mouths still pressed against each other, he chuckled and murmured: "We might find ourselves in a video scandal that way."

"Oh, I barely exist on the internet so people won't care who I am," was my dismissive response. "You, however," I resumed in a drawl, intentionally trailing off to create a parodical dramatic effect, "have fans."

His chest vibrated with laughter at that remark and he caught my lips with another of his ardent embraces to shut me up. The heat was picking up its temperature again. He slithered a hand underneath my black dress, up my bra, and captured one of my breasts.

"Are you horny?" he whispered in my ear when his lips transferred to my neck; the way he said it and the huskiness in his voice effectively making me even hornier.

"Aren't you?" I breathed back.

He ran his hand up my leg but before he could reach my panties, I stopped him. "I'm on my period, baby."

"Oh, yeah. Right."

"Have you had period sex?" I enquired.

"Yes, just twice. I'm not really fond of it. It's messy.."

That word again. But I agreed with him this time, especially during the first few days where the flow of the blood is at its heaviest. Such a shame, though. I really wanted him inside me.

"By the way… I found out something about you," I started moments later, looking down at him. Ah, this is one of the reasons why I feel confident in this position. I don't have to stand next to him and be intimidated by his height.

"Yeah?"

"So I was watching your friend's YouTube video, like I was telling you before, the one where you guys were going over your other friend's over-a-hundred shoe collection, and.." I paused, having trouble suppressing the mirthful smirk in the corners of my lips. "He said that out of the three of you…" I went on, "YOU…" I specified, wickedly delighted to watch the play of emotions on his face as I dragged out the suspense. "...have the most—"

Ah. Get on with it, lassie. The most what?

"...'beneficial' friends," I finally dropped. By this point, I was already beaming with amusement as I carefully watched his expression; which, to my disappointment, was just an abundance of equanimity, and perhaps a tad of uneasiness, if I were to apply an over-analyzing translation into it just to add some flavour to the dullness. Either way, I wasn't done spilling the juicy information so I went ahead to add: "And according to him: NOT just in the city, but in the ENTIRE country."

Having stated this, he finally let out a hearty laugh as if he just heard something so ridiculous. "He was just joking. It's not true. Haha! And that video is like a long time ago."

"So... " I began shortly after, "tell me something, babe." Shifting my weight on his thighs to regard him with a partly-serious, partly-playful gaze, I asked what had been making me curious (and slightly wary) ever since my viewing of the aforementioned video. "How many are we?"

If he was lying, this man is really skilled with looking you back straight in the very eyes for he returned my visual contact with not a single sign of playfulness nor amusement in it and unwaveringly replied: "Just you." No blinking.

"Just me," I repeated. "For now." I smiled humourously before diving my face towards his neck.

"And us? How many are we?"

"Just you," was my truthful answer. "For now," I added, albeit jokingly again. Although... though jest was my intention upon saying it, that line sadly holds a good deal of truth in a lot of relationships, if one refuses to deny it. "Do you want me to add more?" I teased.

"No.."

The entire time we were there, we were engulfed in each other's physical affection, interspersed with conversations and sharing of the sweet little treats we got from the Japanese stall. We talked a little about politics, the ongoing war between Russia and Ukraine, the increased prices of almost everything now, and he imparted to me two historical events that took place in Europe related to what we were discussing: wealth and power. The last bit was really nice. Ugh. The man likes history! I wish my brain hadn't been deprived of enough food and nutrients so I could've prolonged that conversation with at least, an attempt at intelligent questions. But unfortunately, my mind was all whooshy so most of his words just floated around me and not in my head.

(Note to self: Stop going out on dates with an empty stomach.)

I told him my opinion about the next president that was most likely to take over (whom I personally want to take over, too) and when asked why I thought that particular politician was going to have the seat, I ended my main answer with: "...and his son is really popular with the ladies."

His eyebrows furrowed. "Son?"

"Yes. You haven't heard of him?"

I gave the name and he replied: "No, I haven't heard of the guy... Why haven't I heard of that guy?"

"He's all over TikTok. My sisters are crazy about him."

"Why is he popular with the ladies?"

I smiled down at him as I idly moved both pairs of our entangled hands around, amused by his confusion and curiosity. "Because he's cute and brilliant."

There was a brief pause in his countenance as a scruple shade of frown slid over it. "I am cute and brilliant…"

His sudden childlike response absolutely brought more amusement to my laughter as I leaned in to hug him. My, but he was so adorable! Haha. That was unexpected. The way he just stopped and stared at me… I wonder if it was out of masculine rivalry or he just wasn't pleased to hear me complimenting and being impressed with other men..

"You want to be president, babe?" I asked whilst my face was still pressed in the nook of his neck, planting kisses on his jaw.

"Yes."

I was rather surprised by that—NO, more like against it. It was the wrong answer.

I immediately pulled myself back so we were face to face. "Really?"

"I'll make this shitty country great." Then he began rambling about the things he would do, the infrastructures he would build...

"That's great but that would be terrible. You're putting yourself a central target for assassination."

How could he even want to be president? The responsibility and danger that comes with it is gravely enormous, not to mention the scarce amount of peace and tranquility he'll inevitably have not just on him but onto his family. For a moment, I brashfully imagined myself being his wife in that far-off near-impossible future and the lifestyle we'd have just goes against everything I desire. For pete's sake, I just want a quiet and simple life in the middle of nowhere and this man wants to be the face of the country. 

"Let's go?" he prompted several minutes later when one of the cars next to us had already driven off.

"Where?" I questioned, slightly hoping he'd take me somewhere. (Cough, cough. Hotel room. Oh, yes. Drat. I forgot I was on my period. Grr.) "Home?" I said, hiding my disappointment.

"Yes."

My disheartened sentiment gave out a stubborn "no" as I once again threw my arms around him, not wanting to let him go nor to stop this moment. He hugged me back and a comfortable silence fell between us.

"Okay, let's stay for a bit," was his calm and gentle reply.

"I'm gonna miss you." Ugh. It just felt so good to be wrapped in his arms.

He gave my small body a loving and tender squeeze. "Me, too.."

We kissed more and held each other for a little while, sometimes just playfully rubbing the tips of our noses together, when the other car next to us had finally gone off, giving us exposure on both sides should an unsuspecting vehicle flash their lights at us. Eventually, we finally set off to go.

"So, are you still planning to buy a new car?" I asked him when we'd left the mall.

"It's still afloat. When I read the address, my first thought was you. It's just near where you live, right?"

"So near."

"I was searching where to get second-hand cars and the only place that sells them in the city is that one," he was saying. He's already told me his utter dismay when the gas prices rose up and this drastic increase really upset him which led him to want to get a smaller automobile because his current one burns more fuel.

"I should probably ride a public transport on the way there," he added. "They might up the price if I'd bring my car and they see it, thinking I'm rich or something."

"Wear slippers, too," I suggested because his shoes are all high-end.

"Oh, that's a good idea," he said. "Nah, they will see my feet."

I cracked. "You have rich feet. HAHAHA," I supplemented, losing my head in the process. I really laughed so hard at this. LMFAO. Idk, I just find it so funny. Like.. what? Does the man have diamond toenails or something? 😂

All jokes aside, there's still some bit of truth in it. I live in a country where white-skinned people are usually deemed elite and trust me when I say Erwin has porcelain white skin because he does. By beauty standards, they're also the "most attractive". But personally, I find tanned or dark men more appealing and that's actually one of the reasons why Erwin isn't my usual type at all. I earnestly acknowledge his noticeable good looks, though. No joke. Apart from his towering height and broad, masculine figure, the man stands out enough to be mistaken as an actor. If anyone here likes those tall, manly, handsome and intimidating oppas in all those K-dramas, I'm sorry but I am dating one. Haha! Ooh, look at me flexing my man now. It wasn't just long ago I tried to imagine him as an anime character when we were having sex.

Anyway, although the skin plays a big part in looking like an upper class, it's not just that alone that makes him appear to be so because I know plenty of people with white-complexion that are common-looking. It's also the way he carries himself, how he talks, dresses.. Not to mention he looks absolutely foreign. And here, foreigners of his appearance are automatically assumed to be wealthy. A local and a foreign person alike won't know he's a local himself at all unless they hear him speak the native tongue. His neatness adds up a great deal in it, too. I think he might even be a germaphobe.. 

"Yes, rich feet," he seconded jokingly.

"Then put dirt on it."

It was his turn to crack up this time. Imagine suggesting to a germaphobe to put dirt on his feet.. "That's brilliant. When I'd try to get in the car to check it, they'd go all: 'Sir, please, let's have your feet washed first…' HAHAHA." The thought immensely amused him because it was the loudest and longest laugh he made that night. It was contagious.

Ah, that was great. Us filling the car with joyous sounds from genuine fun and amusement. When we weren't talking, he'd look at me every now and then and reach for my face, and as if by instinct, I'd rest my chin on his palm and he'd gently massage it like what you do to a puppy. Lmfao. He also randomly sang for a bit and he actually sounded good.. I wish to hear more of it in the future because I might just fall in love. Hehe. When we stopped in the middle of a traffic, I laid my head on his leg and he fondly pecked me on the cheek, affectionately saying: "Aww, my baby girl.." That really warmed my heart. There's just really something about his touches that make me feel so cherished..

Our time together was, per usual, ended by a kiss on the lips and though I missed him immediately upon our parting and had my godforsaken menstruation cursed for being the bitch in our desire to make love, the battery responsible for my cravings for his attention was still drained low and needed recharging. That is to say, I didn't care about not having interaction with him for a few days. Well, not really "nothing". A bit of lovely greetings here and there, replying 24 hours later..

Anyway, this post is actually long overdue because the events in this entry took place around the end of March and it's May now. My lazy arse just let the draft sit around for more than a month causing things to pile up which makes updating in regards to my "romantic life" feel like a chore sometimes, and whenever it feels like that, it doesn't spark my desire to write at all; hence, the tremendous delay of keeping my page up to date. So there you go ladies and gentle gems, it's been three months now. Three months since I've met Erwin! Gosh. How time flies truly so annoyingly fast. Ugh. Something happened days after my rendezvous with him in the mall, actually, that made me a bit dramatic, which in turn, prompted me to do something I kind of have been regretting since.. I'll be sharing it next and whether or not he's still a part of my life right now.. we shall see :)

À toute.
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