Dear Diary, thought I'd right again because guess what I'm feeling miserable again. My mom actually had a mood shift two weeks ago and was suddenly very cheerfull, which was a relief because her ignoring me for 2 months made things really difficult. Today though she said that my bad mood is making her feel down. In my opinion that is so unfair. I always make sure to tell her that its not her fault when I'm sad and that I appreciate her trying to cheer me up. But when she is sad she doesnt care about me at all. It wasnt too bad today though.
Anyway you probably guessed it, but my sadness is because of my ongoing disability to find a girlfriend. What a surprise! It's only been ongoing for 12 years so who would have guessed. Last week I turned 28 and I felt absolutely miserable. People wishing me happy birthday was really difficult, because while I appreciate them for being nice it was so hard for me to put up a smile. 28 is the age here in Germany where you are legally not considered young anymore. That means I cant go to things that are exclusive for young people anymore, like that BDSM meeting for young people. I didnt want to go there anyway, but still it stings. I am slowly but surely approaching 30 when things are going to get even more difficult.
And the worst thing of course is that I have not experienced any intimacy while I was young. The though has been driving me crazy these last few days. It was so much of what I wanted not just since 16, but even as a little boy I was fascinated by girls. But I was never able to do anything with that. 28 years of sitting next to girls wishing I could at least touch their arm or something or even better hug them. So much time thinking about how cool it would be if I could hang out with my geeky girlfriend, but never finding anyone like that who is even remotely interested in me. Not that anyone was ever interested in me. Ive said it a thousand times but being a man sucks so so so much. You are expected to be an asshole and if you dont and still hope that somebody could like you for being yourself you are a disgusting nice guy. Again not saying that any woman has to go out with any guy who is just nice to her. What I'm saying is that if a woman likes a guy she should ask him out and not wait for him to make moves on her that she wouldnt want any other guy to make.
But not all has been bad. The monday where I went to the Ghibli Tutorial first and then to the Japanese course have actually been great. On these days I've actually felt like I was at the right place and living a life suited for me. Both my friends C and Knight are in there and afterwards they and a lot of other people from the tutorial go to eat in the mensa. That includes the girl who gives the tutorial, I'll call her Spike cause she likes Cowboy Bebop. Spike also goes to the Japanese course which means I automatically spend time with her on the way there taking the bus. Spike is actually kinda cute and nerdy. She colours her bob cut hair jetblack, has a squint and kind of dresses like a grandma, but in a unique stylish way. She is a bit pedantic and very agreeable, which sometimes is a bit too much. I think she should stand up for herself more. So at least I can pretend I am doing sth with my life hanging out with her. I could even see her being in the same position as me. But since she is a girl its very unlikely. As a girl it doesnt matter much if you are quiet you can still find boyfriends if you really want.
Also at the Japanese course there is another girl, Spike and I ran into on the first monday. We talked to her about Anime and it turned out that her favorite is HxH too. She is black with a really nice figure, I guess because she likes to do K-Pop Dance. However I think she is very young, since she said she is in her first semester. Probably 19 or 20. She gives me teen vibes too. So I feel bad about seeing her as a potential girlfriend. It sucks so much being 28 :((( She sits next to me and sometimes asks me stuff and of all the people there I think I am the closest to her by now. And once she touched me on the hand for just a tiny moment with just one finger by accident and she immediately apologized. Is that one of these famous signs? Or is that just the remants of her teen awkwardness?
Anyway last monday I even went to the cinema with Knight and Spike! It was super spontaneous. On the monday before I mentioned to Spike that I wanted to see the movie Everything, Everywhere all at once, because she said she was going to see a different movie that day. Apparently she didnt end up going that day, but this week while at the mensa she mentioned that she wanted to see EEaaO but wasnt sure since she would have to go alone and it would be late. Another girl from the tutorial said that she would go with her and since it was a good opportunity I said I would like to come too. Spike had been sitting next to me, but with one seat between us kind of ignoring me all the time. But suddenly she seemed happy when I said I would come. Had she been planning this?? I'm probably interpreting too much again. I asked Knight if she wanted to come too and after a friend of hers cancelled their plans for the day she said yes. At that point we had already bought the tickets for us three, so Knight had to sit behind us but it worked out. So that day I spent even more time after the Japanese Course with Spike, because the movies was 2 hours after. We ended up eating burritos. No idea if I made a good impression on her or not. Maybe I was boring.
The movie was really good though, I would recommend everyone to see it!
So there are all these girls around me now, Knight, Spike, C, Belle (who was also up for shenaningans this week btw) and that girl from the J course. They are all really nice and I feel like I am not appreciating them enough. But I cant help but feel this sadness, because of the girlfriend sitiation. Even so I will stay a disgusting nice guy, because thats just what I am I guess. It gave me all these friendships with girls at least, whicj is the next best thing. Even if they dont help with my touch starvation.
I will go back into my pool of misery now, it was nice sharing this stuff. There was stuff I missed, but maybe I will fill that in another time
Have a great day or night!