I don't feel like sleeping tonight, or ever again for that matter. My head is filled with horror and realizations from my nightmares. It's hard to understand anything anymore and all I want is an explanation of something, anything, except I know that cannot happen cause no one can truly explain to me my deep thoughts and dreams.
The time at the moment is 12:53am on a cool Wednesday night. I can feel the deep sinking feeling of my loneliness and I can do nothing to stop it. My entire body is pulsing with an itch to move around, just do something to get my mind off things but even the things I used to enjoy are engulfing me in my useless thoughts. I wonder if I am truly going crazy but I can't tell a soul in worry of betrayal. This brings me back to the thought of being crazy for not being able to trust anyone, or maybe I'm just scared to tell them my mind in worry it will make them just as insane as myself.
The time is now 1:01am on a cool Wednesday night and I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, blinding me in a series of blurry figures. My dog lays comfortably beside me as I listen to her steady breaths. I wonder if dogs comprehend the unknown insanities of our world.
I just laid down my book after reading several captivating chapters that again only brought me back to my repulsive thoughts.
I wonder how anyone can live without having these realizations of how hopeless we are on this earth. I especially wonder how anyone can instinctively bring children into this corrupt world, but then again maybe children are the only things that can keep us all sane, for their thoughts and feelings are so simply complex that they can bring us back to the real truths without even realizing it.
I grow more and more irritated as each day passes by, everyone acting like everything is fine and normal. What even is normal anymore in this world of chaos? Since when did abortions become normal or same gender sex? And how come no one is addressing these abominations? Fear? Fear of being different, an outcast, or maybe fear of becoming a target. I realize now that we have become slaves in a free country. Since when did that become normal?
I push regretting thoughts into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind, not wanting to show the world even my most harmless thoughts. I wonder why I can't think like a normal person, a normal teenager, a normal girl, but then again I'm not normal. I don't desire sex or drugs or any other worldly temptation. I desire an understanding, the truth and most of all a person to talk to that understands me and loves me no matter what. But unfortunately mankind is cruel and selfish and unexplainably smart in the dumbest ways possible. It is unfathomable how ridiculously lustful and evil and misunderstood people are. Which brings me to another thought of judging too quickly. This is a subject I have so much to say about and yet cannot utter a word cause I don't know where to start or even how to put these thoughts into words.
My mind races through more thoughts than I can remember, each one pushing me deeper and deeper into confusion. Mostly a lot of what if's or how comes. It is now confirmed, I'm crazy.