Dear Diary, yesterday I hanged out with a friend of mine.
He was from the high school that I entered but didn’t graduated from. I didn’t like that school. So I graduated other one.
We hadn’t have any contact more than 3 years but he suddenly texted me the end of last month. I ignored once. Because I always hesitate to open up mysterious sudden “hi how’s you been?” message. Like… what do you want from me? I would love to see your subject first!
But I decided to reply. He seemed like he is in the downwards process of depression.
Anyways he knows my worst time even partly, so I was thinking like he might be a person I can expose my vulnerableness and we help each other. So I decided to meet him.
I wasn’t sure if he felt okay if I look not I used to.
But I had already determined to collect the trace of real me and reconstruct myself as l myself should have be. So I didn’t give him the girly version of me. Wearing black pants, black shirt with bow tie, leather shoes and even black eyeliner like Adam Lambert’s iconic makeup. I had already be in the process of erasing my girly manner of talking that I had learned past entire my life.
It’s very easy to assume he wanted to meet his angel girl to be feel healed. But sorry she was just full body suit that the society made me create and was adhere to my skin, to my born, to deep in my mind. I liked her too. She was always kinda cute. Even the lameness she shows sometimes might had been look cute! Because she was a girl! Yeah that lameness was also me myself. She had been sugar seasoning spiced up my personality. I liked her so much but the was she talk and act some times brought me questions. And I decided to break up with her. I am not a female but a non binary person.
She was good at attract nerdy boys somehow. I thought it’s because she sometimes acts like the girls in anime, the girls the boys are familiar with. Yep how could I picturing realistic girl-ness that each girl has her each own. I don’t have one so what I could do was watching their surface. It brought me the stereotypical feminin image you know?
I can’t blame him but he falling love with her and treat me as if I am her. What kind of poor friends we are! From the bottom of my heart I feel for him. And for me who urged to creat full body suit to live in the world without being called odd. I once told him seriously that I was still on my way to find my SOGI and he would be my friend friend forever. And he answered he wanted to be my best friend friend. How could I say no? He had been a good friend of mine.
Half decades later, even yesterday, he still treated me as that girl. I felt he even tried to emphasize that I were a girl. Every time I reject these.
For his mental health, I think it was good decision that I met him and took him under the sun and let him soaked up. He said we can meet consistently like this time for our health.
Yep if he give up the girl I used to wear, I can do that. And I would like to do that.
How can I make him understand? It’s not good for him. He should move on. And I don’t want to act her anymore even it’s for him.
In any ways, at least I have to fix his mindset towards females. He thinks all females are very similar to what stereotypes say.