Dear Diary,

Many things.

I'll start from last night.

I was planning to meet arvind for a long time, i didnt meet him after his marriage. 

So we decided to meet, and went to this Moto Jojo Event. 

I enjoy music, i always do. There is something about the expression of your feeling via poems and music. 

Alek was there, and the singer was Greenish Wednesday Voice(a.k.a Harish Budhwani). 

He looked and talked so much like akshay, later he said he is also a software engineer. And he is from Rajasthan and is currently in pune. You See. 

He is a singer-songwriter, and he tells the story behind each song.

One theme behind his music was Being a Misfit, but, celebrating being Misfit. He talks about how we are all misfits. He was so confident about what he was talking about and also so kind of humble* and genuine. 

His songs were about a relationship from a beginning to an end. We all sang with him, I was humming the song Azadiyan in morning today also. 

This kind of event has a different feel, like he said at one point that we(everyone sitting there) were all misfits in a way, different from others. And i think we were all also somewhat the same, leaving the city we all chose to come to this event, it makes us all the same in some way, and that is also a reason I guess, that everyone kept saying to each other you look so familiar =D. No kidding, everyone was. And in fact, I can still remember those faces now, whom I saw only for a little time. 

After the event we were all talking, one guy who looked sort of rich :p, he came with a girl who looked very pretty. He was young maybe younger than me, he brought pizza for everyone, he was a distant friend of harish, met him on a trek once in kashmir few years ago. He said these are pizzas, and these are my pizzas, i made them, i started a pizza place here. Harish adds that on that trek they talked about this guy saying about openning a pizza place and This guy did it now, it's wonderful to see. 

You see. 

Sweety went to this place, alone, a few days ago. She is a misfit. You see. 

In these kinds of events, you feel the world is so small and the destiny is so real.

Anyway, after the event, we were all talking and i think i heard so many jokes, i havent heard in an entire month or maybe more. Alek's real name is ALick. Everyone makes jokes and people laugh, i think humour is such great thing. You go join a group of people and start making jokes, mingle with everyone, how you look doesn't really matter, that's what alick has proved. Even harish and everyone else there, above all, they were all being real, no showoff, no layers, no masks. That's what makes them confident, they do not carry the baggage of a big self-image and dont expect everyone to like them. 

You see, Now the point is. I feel, despite everything i have been trying, i am struggling with humour, making jokes and keeping myself real, there is always this baggage of my bigger self image, i get embarrassed easily, and I don't talk freely to people. But these people they make jokes and talk so real, while i struggle to make my words in english, and they never come out properly.

Maybe i am an introvert, maybe its wrong of me to compare myself with them and so what if i am not good at making jokes. We are all different, i dont know what i am good at, but i think i need not know or tell myself that, we dont need to affirm what we are good at. 

We are just we. I am just who I am. Hmm. 

But anyway, i think making jokes is a good skill, i'll learn that, i can read and learn that as a skill =D. 

These days, i am meeting a lot of people with their husbands/wives. My circle has changed, earlier it was so rare meeting a married couple and talking to them, but now in my circle, i meet people, and they introduce, she is my wife or he is my husband. 

I look at people, and I think, no one is perfect, and it is probably not that big a deal, You marry people and love each other, you dont have to find perfect one, it(love) is an act which doesn't really need any perfection, it is only affection. And marriage is a beautiful thing even with its imperfections.

I met Arvind and Shruti yesterday, I met Shalini and Shiva today. And the host yesterday (mewonderingaboutitall) and her husband. People are beautiful and couples are even more. 

About today morning. 

I texted her and asked if she would come on a trek. And she replied not so enthusiastic about it. You see. 

After every few days i reach to this point where i start thinking, am i doing wrong 

? Maybe she'll always be insensitive about how i feel, that i'll always want her more, but maybe i am just this option in her life. Am i doing it right, wanting to be with her, i think. I think, maybe i should not talk to her now, for sometime.

I cant help it, i am being honest with you, i start thinking like this. 

Then, i think more and i see that, its not her fault, and its just me, its wrong of me to expect everything to go as i planned or imagined. It shouldn't have affected me, my intention was good, i wanted to go on a trip with her on her bday, maybe she doesn't think of her bday as a big deal, so what. Why should I be upset about it? I think I need to take things lightly and not see everything as a big deal. Expect less or maybe nothing. 

I want to be free. Azad, You know. From chains of my own imaginations. Be one without identities. 

I read something yesterday - 

``` Powerful combination = Hate being bad at stuff + Willing to look like a beginner```

Another thing is i should probably try to do what I want to do along with my day job and not keep them for later someday. 

For the next few days, I want to focus on healthy eating and learning new. 

I'll also have more fasts. It's great, the flow of thoughts get so clear. 

Few things I can do - 

1. Home exercise and meditation in the morning

2. Eating raw food more - prepare a list of things for every meal. 

3. 1 Fast for 24 Hrs, from Friday dinner to Saturday dinner. 

4. Don't watch random stuff on youtube, read books instead. Read computer science books and Mahabharat and other books from your list. Consider buying a second-hand kindle. 

Another thing, practice thinking two things at the same time. 

Ok. 

And hey, I forgot to tell you, I released the new app of tod yesterday, it took a great great amount of time for this upgrade, people won't understand the effort, so little actually changed in the front end, but it took me a great amount of time. But it was due for a ong time, now i'll focus on more features and making it better. 

Ok. 

Later !

❤️