I’m fucked

I don’t know if I have an eating disorder, tbh I don’t really think I do???? 

But anyways I’m obsessed with the hourglass figure body and just being skinny overall, if I see myself gaining weight I will cry💀✋🏽

So I usually just starve myself for a couple days and take laxatives when I do eat because puking is just gross and I don’t wanna accidentally swallow my vomit and also the house is VERY small so my mom would notice in about 1 week or 4 days that I’m puking the food out. 

But I think like MONTHS AGO!!! She caught on and wouldn’t buy me laxatives anymore whatsoever and we haven’t had laxatives in the house for soooo looong, so since I don’t have a job rn so I have no money and I also dont know how to ask my friends to buy them for me without them getting too curious then I just stopped taking them and starved myself, but lately I’ve been feeling so down and bored and sad that I’m stuffing my face with food, IM NEVER FULL!!! WHICH I HATE SO MUCH! I wanna eat but every time I do stuff my face with food I cry and look at myself in disgust because I think I look ugly and fat and disgusting so I stop eating and UGH it’s such an emotionally draining cycle honestly…but anyways….

My bought laxatives after a while, and I found them…I can’t explain to you how BAD I want to grab at least 3 of those laxatives😭

But I’m trying to stop myself cuz I Im starting to have stomach problems and if I take laxatives it’s going to have a very negative affect on my stomach so then we gonna have to go to the hospital and she could find out and I just know if she found out, she would do her very best to make sure I get actual good help but honestly I don’t wanna hurt her and I don’t wanna burden her so ima work this on my own.