I feel so depressed all the time. I thought that i am used to it one day but the truth is that i`m not used to it and i will never be used to it. I am so trapped in my mind and this sucks. I feel so hopeless and i am afraid that i never will be able to live a normal and healthy live. I`ve been mentally sick since my early childhood and its time to change that. Currently i am looking for a hobby or a work from home job to keep my mind busy until i am able to finally get treatment in the mental hospital. Tomorrow is my first appointment. Its an analistic appointment whree the doctor wants to get to know me and to make his own diagnosis. Then i will be added to the waitinglist (sadly) because i need help right now. I feel so guilty that i have't asked for help earlier. My anxiety hits me like a truck several times a day and breathing is hard when you cry so much. I had a little fight with my grandma today. I am still sad and a little bit angry because of that. She has no idea how i feel or what happened as a child. My whole family has no idea. I feel so helpless and alone. As a kid this was excatly the same. This feeling is one of the worst. I was a lonley sad and fearful little girl and i am still that girl but older...no one knows that when i was a little girl people did things to me that you are not allowed to do with a child. I sometimes want to tell it my family. I know they will be shocked but they also will feel sorry and guilty because they never protected me, they never listened to me, they never really cared about me. I was alone and i am still alone. I have no one to talk with. I hate my life and that i feel so much. Its a thounderstorm of emotions...