Dear Diary, I'm truely a fool.
Feeling bad about one thing leads me into feeling bad for the next thing.
Today I went with Knight to the cinema and we saw Jujutsu Kaisen 0. Beforehand I wanted to pay for the snacks, because 1. I felt bad because she had paid so much for the food on her birthday. I wasnt the only one there and I had brought her a gift too, but still. O had suggested seeing The Batman on her birthday and maybe that was what lead her to actually do it? Maybe not? 2. I still have a coupin that I have to use this year.
So I hadnt eaten much today, because I was anticipating eating sth. at the cinema. My mom was all naggy about me not eating. But then Knight suggests getting Coke and Popcorn together. Like one bigger popcorn and coke for both of us. I didnt plan for that. I had wanted sth like chips for myself not sth sweet, because that would fill my stomach more. And I couldnt say no because that suggestion was kind of cute. And then the guy who sold us the snacks said that a big popcorn is actually cheaper than a middle one, because of the menu. So I got that, but it was huge. We were not able to finish even a third of it. So I felt bad for wasting food AND not getting what I actually wanted. All because I'm so awkward and cant say no to people. Drinking out of the same cup was kind of cool though. Its just that I actually dont like coke that much anymore. Its so freaking sweet, I can basically feel it warping my body.
Also the guy sitting next to me didnt keep the Covid distance. There is supposed to be an empty seat between each group. It wasnt a big deal so I didnt say anything. And on top of that the movie wasnt that great either. The character development in Jujutsu Kaisen isnt that great to begin with and in the pacing of the movie it really didnt work. Everything felt super fast and rushed. So I really felt like I had done everyzhing wrong sitting there watching the movie. I had gone to a movie with a girl I dont have much chemistry with if I'm honest with myself. And I'm sitting in a crowd of anime fans that I also dont feel connected with. In German we have a word for this: Weltentfremdung. You could maybe translate it as feeling enstranged to the world around you. That was what I was feeling.
I never know if my choices are actually what I'm supposed to be doing. Like right now I'm planning to go to that japanese course twice a week even though its probably too easy for me. But it could help me speak, and Knight is there plus maybe other people I could connect too. But it will cost 150€. So am I a fool for doing that too. The alternative is sitting at home even more. And its not nice at home right now, my mom is in a terrible mood because of the raised food prices caused by the Ukraine war. We have pretty decent savings and we can always get money from her rich sister. But nope she thinks she is screwed.
I have no idea where this life is supposed to lead. My one hope wad always finding a girlfriend. It wouldnt solve anything if course but it would still be a dream fullfilled. I have a clear picture of her, but while it is realistic in my opinion it doesnt seem to actually exist. I've seen it in real life but its never actually tangible. Just a smart wallflower, that has no plan about her life either and with whom I have stuff to talk about. I can even see me and her lying on the floor bored together and then hug. We would forgive each others foolishness.
bye