February 13, 2022

Since I was quite angry at her last time I should start with her. The situation has completely shifted, like it usually does with her. The last few weeks she has been really nice to me. I feel like I dont deserve this kindness just like I didnt deserve that bad treatment before, but this is much easier of course. She did actually take my advice and open up about what was bothering her and we managed to talk about it. She completely misunderstood some of my feelings to the situation. Which is exactly what happens when you dont talk with each other. Also I did almost all my cooking myself since then. Like I said I actually prefer it this way. I didnt manage to pry the washing machine from her, but at least its a start.

2. That girl I met with

I managed to tell her that I didnt see us meeting as dates or anything. It was over whatsapp so I dont know what her reaction was. She seemed fine with it though. She still wanted to meet, but I said no because Covid is crazy here in Germany right now. I've heard of so many people who tested positive these past two weeks. So I want to take it slow for now. We should reach the Omikron peak soon though.

She still texted me though. I dont know why, but texting with her really stresses me out. Probably because I cant really express anything of my real self to her. That is mostly my fault probably since I dont feel that comfortable with her, but yeah. I'm not going to ghost her or anything, but I dont see myself getting that close to her. Weird, because I usually am excited to talk to girls, but not with her for some reason. For some reason I feel like it would be like this with most girls from dating apps with me. 

Sometimes I browse the subreddit twoxchromosomes on reddit. It's mostly women venting about their problems and general misogyny. I just like to know what not to do and maybe learn something new about women. And I saw that thread where they complain about mens dating profiles. It was mostly about how men choose bad pictures of themselves and dont write interestkng descriptions that show their unique interests. And they thought that women did those things so much better when they changed their settings. While I agree that women probably have better pictures and can present themselves "nicer" the interesting description part is not true at all, at least from my perspective. Women on dating platforms are usually so boring to be honest. In all my years using them I've only seen  a handful that really interested me. Thats why I swipe 96% left. And when I actually wrote a description that showed my interests I got my least likes. Yeah I'm a big nerd, but I dont think that should be an issue. I remember when Belle did her Tinder profile she actually made it interesting too. It didnt come close to her actual weirdness, but at least she tried. Not that she is nerdy of course. Speaking of her...

3. Belle

She actually contacted me again. On facebook since she doesnt have my number anymore apparently. Here is what she wrote:

Hey 🙃🙃 

White profile pic?? (My profile pic on facebook is white since I'm not active there anymore)

Everything all right? We did have some nice trips together 😄 kind of a shame

Of course she sent it 2:15 in the night. We are talking about Belle here. But I still answered about half an hour later. Actually I was chatting with Knight at the time, so it was quite the surprise and I couldnt react right away. I wrote back that I was doing ok and that I hoped she did too. And that we could do a trip again if she wanted. I probably shouldnt have said that cause of the covid situation but it didnt matter actually because she never answered. A day later I sent her my phone number.

She didnt answer me for a week, so I decided to try her old phonenumber. I just said that I was trying the number and I hoped she was doing good and I didnt say anything wrong. Because I thought it was a bit unthoughtful of me to write I hoped she was just ok. She answered about an hour later. She was quite nice once again, saying that she knew that I didnt mean it that way and that she is just really busy right now. And she asked what had happened with me the past year. So I wrote some of my uni stuff and that not that much had happened with me. Of course I asked the question back.

Her answer came today, 6 days later. She is also still struggling with uni stuff and she was doing alright she just had to move a lot. But she actually lives a bit closer to me now than she used to.

I wonder what is going on with her. She probably had one of her manic episodes and contacted me on a whim. Her heavy use of emojis was very uncharacteristic. She hated it when people used many emojis. But she probably isnt that interested in me anymore. She is the kind of person that moves on quick I guess. I was pretty happy to get her message though. I havent forgotten her bad sides, but hanging out with her was always an adventure at least. I wouldnt mind having a bit of that again. We will see  maybe we will meet again after all?

4. Knight

She has messaged me a lot the past 2 weeks. Even during the day which is very uncharacteristic for her. But I'm very happy about it, since I always enjoy talking with her. We even talked about some real life stuff for a change. For example her wallet was stolen the other day. While she was riding up the escalator at the train station someone grabbed into her backpack and took it. She didnt lose money since she never pays cash and locked her cards right away, but she lost some pins and photos which was very sad. But today the lost and found wrote her a letter that they found it, so she was really happy. We also have 2 movies we plan to see together. The Batman and the Jujutsu Kaisen movie, which both come out next month. So I will actually be able to see her. And after he talked about her Japanese class, I decided to join her there next semester. The first level of the course was a bit easy for me since I already know Hiragana and basic sentence structure. But the second level would help me to actually be able to talk a bit, which would be nice. I was a bit afraid that Knight would see this as me invading her personal life, but she seemed happy about it. She sent me all her notes from the previous class. That was super nice of her. I complemented her on her neat handwriting too. And since then she has contacted me more, so I really think she is looking forward to having two classes with me per week. One will be in person and the other on Zoom. The actual most important reason I decided to join had actually to do with...

5. The Girl that led the Kurosawa semimar

Because it turned out that Knight and her actually know each other from that class! Knight just randomly reveales that when I talked about the seminar. She also said that another friend of hers is going there and if I knew her. I had never heard of that name before though. I wonder why Knight thought that I knew that friend of hers. So that meant that two girls that had piqued my interest before were going there. This revealed to me that I was missing out by not being there too. Even though these two probably wont be my girlfriend, clearly it was the place to be. And that mysterious friend of Knights is there too. I have to know! This made me actually look forward to next semester. And it made me have more motivation for Japanese again which I was slacking on.

6. C

C is that friend I mentioned a couple if times. I think I mentioned that I would help her move too and I did exactly that. It wasnt that hard, I just moved a bit of stuff with her boyfriend. I accidentaly dropped the sofa once though, which made me feel really guilty for some reason. It was completely fine, nothing broke. But I had come there to help and I dropped it because I had placed my hand awkwardly, grabbing it from above where I lost grip. The reason I grabbed it that way was because we had to lift it from the car first. Maybe I felt guilty because I felt like her boyfriend didnt like me being there. It wasnt that much and he probably felt like he could have done it with his dad, who was also there. Maybe he felt like his girlfriend was doubting his masculinity or sth. Or I was just imagining it, he wasnt mean to me or anything. He probably just is the silent type and he was stresses from moving.

But looking at their stuff made me a bit sad honestly. They are an actual nerdy couple and have a lot of manga, anime figurines and videogame stuff. They basically have the life I always wish for, living together playing games and watching anime together. It's not that I'm envious. I think its great that they have that. But seeing this actually exist, makes me realize how far away from that I am.

7. P

I found some new info on her. Like usually I googles her name while I was bored and a new result came up. It was a dancing video again. And it turns out that she is actually studying contemporary dance in cologne now. I'm so happy for her! This seems like it really is her passion. I dont know what she was studying before probably something with science judging on what she was good at in s chool. But I had always noticed that she would participate in these dance projects and now she will probably be a professional dancer! And one of those really artsy ones too. It makes me feel like I always saw that potential in her. She always looked like an artsy dancer to me now that I think about it. And in her movements in that video I can still see the awkward girl from 10 years ago.

I have a plan. When she has a big public performance I want to see her live. I just want to be a random face in the crowd and then disappear again without her noticing me. That would be so melancholic and cool.

Yeah thats pretty much it. I wrote this over several days, so sorry if some dates dont match up.

Bye Bye