Erwin asked for my Telegram the moment he arrived home from our date last Sunday and we've been chatting there ever since. After my night with Bryce and realizing Erwin was the better guy for me, I somehow began all giggly when it came to the latter. I don't feel his vibe on text, though. Face to face, he seems so cheerful and good-natured. Behind a screen, he seems so serious and most of the time, it throws me off. I told him about this and he said someone also told him the same thing. He said that on the phone, he unconsciously turns on his "work mode". Bah. Conversation with him through messages just isn't engaging. Not that I'd want us to chat all day long, but…
Also, he keeps telling me to eat when it's time for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I mean, yeah, he probably just cares about my well-being but he does it every goddamn time as if he's my personal alarm clock. And you know me, I eat whenever I want so even though I haven't eaten yet, I just say "yes" to all of these so he wouldn't think I'm starving myself. And his laughs are only limited to "haha" or "hehe". That honestly kills the mood when you come off so excited and hyper and the one you're conversing with isn't flowing in the same wavelength as you. And I'm telling you, I'm usually bubbly on text especially to people I'm comfortable with and I want to be comfortable with him. On top of that, when it's time to sleep, he only says "night". And when the sun has risen, he only says "morning". What the hell. If that's the case, just don't say anything because I have a clock on my phone that determines whether it's daylight or evening.
Me: "Good night. Sweetdreams 😊"
Him: "Night."
BRO. Do you need a comforter? Jacket? Why so cold?
And then we had a conversation that really put my spirits down.
Me: "You didn't get disappointed I look so different from my pictures? 😂"
Him: "Haha yeah, it does look different but it's okay, I enjoyed your company, anyway."
Uhm…
Hello. Dejection over my countenance.
It was like rain suddenly started pouring down and made everything dark and gloomy. And there I was being such a bitch about Bryce's appearance in person. Talk about having a taste of your own medicine, eh? This really made me feel ugly that it led me to turn off "Date Mode" on Bumble and become invisible. It just really put my whole mood upside down. But then I realized I was only using one picture that showed my face from four years ago... It was taken by someone else and my hair was still blonde then and medium-length. Plus, it was a little blurry—the very reason I chose it—because I'm so conscious about having anyone who knows me in real life stumbling upon my profile. I don't want to be recognized in this kind of platforms because I already saw a former classmate once and it's weird as fuck. Still though, it influenced my feelings over Erwin that I didn't become giggly anymore and it only augmented my annoyance for him that originally sprang from his way of texting. What's worse with all of this was that he didn't do anything wrong because I literally "asked" for it and he was just being honest. If anything, I only had myself to blame because in a way, I catfished him. Was it different in a disappointing way, though? Ugh. I couldn't even venture to ask. But I guess it was. I look cuter when blurred. If he was disappointed at all, he hid it so well. I don't even think I showed the same skill with Bryce although I had been perfectly nice.
Anyway, because of it, I just suddenly became indifferent with all the fuss you're supposed to mind when you're dating around that I slumped down to a "what the hell" mode. By that, I mean when he asked me out for a drive and dinner Tuesday night, I told him: "Okay, but I'll just wear pajamas."
"Why? Haha. That's too simple."
"So when I get home, I can go straight to bed."
I legit just didn't care anymore. If he was still going to contact me after this then I'd have absolutely no clue what he wanted from me because boy did I keep my words. We weren't going to some fancy restaurant, anyway. Besides, the signal was fucking up so our communication was cut off for a couple of hours and I was already prepping for sleep when he said he was coming. The ending was he picked me up by midnight with my shabby (but very comfortable) outfit paired with worn-out slippers, whereas he wore something simple but still looking dashing. Enjoyed my company… Did he mean my awkwardness? Psh.
Or maybe he just doesn't care about looks...
That won't actually make me feel better because that would mean I'm not attractive enough and it would hurt my vanity. I don't even know why I still went out with him so late that night when I knew from fresh experience nothing was going to be open anymore where we could chill and hang-out. I basically just had a rerun of that "late night drive" with Bryce except that Erwin and I drove around more that it made me dizzy and sleepy. I guess I was slightly hoping he'd also take me in a room or something—as what Bryce had done—so we could cuddle and sleep and perhaps it would lead to something more but nope.
We made a stop at a McDonald's drive-thru and ordered something. We just ate inside the car. After over an hour of uneventful driving, he took me back home because he noticed how sleepy I was becoming. Before going out, I kissed him on the lips and it was just as quick and lousy as the one from our first date because I didn't fucking know why. Didn't he want to kiss me?! Did he think I was a virgin? (He knows about my never having a boyfriend.) Did he truly not find me pretty at all? Was he waiting for Valentine's Day? Other guys would've jumped right into this opportunity but him, nooo. He was taking things so goddamn slow.
Chace: "Based on how he acted on your first date, it seems he's looking for a relationship. Something serious, probably."
Me: "Oh, gosh... Really? I mean, perhaps cos he's at that age now… If he's looking for marriage, though, I'm definitely not the girl for him."
Me: "I don't think I even like him. I just want to fuck."
Cara Dean: "HAHAHAHA, hey!!! It's time you settle for one man already so you'll have one person to constantly have sex with. Plus it's safer that way 😂"
Me: "Yah… You have a point."
I know I could just tell him straight-up what I wanted but I was also curious about how things would go on its own and also his intentions for me. I also know I could see other men but the thought of having to introduce myself again to another stranger tires me so. And I think he feels the same in regards to that because to be honest? He could do so much better.
After that night, I wasn't afraid to address to him trifling things I didn't like because even with my curiosity about how our relationship would move, I also didn't care if he'd ghost me.
Me: "Goodnight, oppa. Sleep well 😊"
Him: "Night."
Me: "I don't like that 😒"
Him: "Don't like what? Goodnight, sweetie 😘"
Me: "AHAHAHA. Good boy."
Him: "I didn't know you're so strict ☺️"
Me: "Nooo. I mean, 'night' just seems so cold to me. It's like another version of 'K'. Or when a special someone tells you 'ily2' instead of 'I love you, too.' You feel me? Hahaha."
Him: "Yeah, I get your point. So you have this side in you, huh ☺️"
Me: "Is it a deal breaker? 😭"
Him: "No, I just didn't expect it. Hehe."
When he laughed so much for the first time, it was like a miracle that I really pointed it out.
Me: "That's a first. It made you laugh that much? Usually, you just have 'haha' or an occasional 'hahaha' but this time, you typed 5 ha's."
Him: "You observe every little thing I do, huh."
Me: "Nah, it's just my hobby to count laughter."
He's really different on text. I don't like it. It makes me think he has a split personality. Maybe because I've been so used to chatting with Chace, someone who shows genuine interest in everything I say no matter how stupid even back to when he was still so formal to me. Actually, he and I had a conversation about this exact thing that pisses me off about Erwin. It was during the first lockdown when he thought of becoming a "serious man". His birthday was nearly approaching and that meant he was going to be older so no more childish and goofy texting. That is to say, he had to avoid emojis and only use the classic emoticons and minimize the laughter to "haha", almost exactly like how Erwin is.
I'm so glad he didn't become that man.
Speaking of Chace, by the way... He just got back with his ex, which was inevitable, and I'm glad to say it doesn't bother me at all :)
Back to Erwin.
Despite how lame my second meeting with him was, his sweetness towards me didn't change from the first date. When he'd stop at a red light, he'd look at me and take my hand and treat me like a baby. Sometimes, I'd lie down and put my head on his leg and he'd kiss my cheek. Or he'd place his hand on my leg and affectionately rub it. Maybe Chace was right. Perhaps this man wanted something serious... But I don't see him as a boyfriend at all. I mean, that could change but our gap is too wide and not just in age and height. If he wasn't going to make a move on me anytime soon, though; that is, something longer than a two-second liplock: then sitting next to him in a car would start to make me feel like I was driving with my uncle.