Dear Diary,
Lamp is in the corner, warm light, passenger's 'And i Love her' playing on the speaker, I have my green tea in the cup, sitting on the tea table. Its perfect. I am with me, just me.
Don't laugh at me 😄.
In this week, I just got some breathing space. It started very bad, on Tuesday I was sooo low, and frustrated, thinking how people who I care about so much, care so little about me. I was thinking about how I am a failure at everything. I never excelled at anything, even the so-called principles I have maybe just fake and I don't know if I really care about those principles. I don't know if I really care about things, or I am just a fool, a pretentious fool.
Then the next day, in the morning when I woke up, I had a few things clear, The problem is, Even though, I don't always accept it, I am too affected by other people's success(or sometimes they are not even success). I look at people and think, I can do that and jump into that. That's the problem with me, I try to copy people.
But if i want to do something meaningful, I have to do different from people, I have to do what i like doing. Being happy with what I am doing is more important.
So, Yesterday, in middle of week, i just took a leave.
In evening, I opened the mark manson's finding your purpose. That mind fucker is so brutally honest. He asked this -
```
Take a few seconds to think of what you want out of life.
Is it happiness? More money? A better job? More friends? The love
over your life? A really bitchin’ new sofa
```
I closed the book and tried to answer this. First, it appeared so easy, of course its happiness, but thinking about it, I know, it's not happiness, what is happiness anyway without the pain and sadness and feeling frustrated. I closed my eyes and thoguth about the caffe in manali, living with her. But is that all i want ??? I know it isnt.
I thought about, what was it that i felt so passionate about when i was in college, i can't remember now.
Maybe, the caffe, the chill streets, Spain could all be what i should be doing, or maybe not, but one thing i realized is how important is to have EMOTIONs to everything in life. Without emotions, life doesn't have any meaning.
About today's dream
We are going to school, but there is lot more rush on the road today then usual. Although very silent apart from sounds of trucks like vehicles. Going little further, i see millitary trucks, there are people armed with tall grenade launchers in hand, i see many more coming and gathering here, i think the are chinese, trucks from both parties are gathering here, as if waiting for the other to initiate the assault. We immidiately run back to home. And close the door, i dont know what's happening, but it looked very tense, all of a sudden, till yesterday, there was nothing.
Later, these soldiers are coming to homes and taking people away. We knew they were coming to our house, so we locked from inside and hiding in the underground chamber, but if they come, they would ofcourse break the door, and find us, so we keep a window open, which would look like we ran out from here. They leave. Now i start thinking, what would we do, how long can we remain in the chamber, we'll have to go up, for washroom, and for food, how will we get food, we'll starve here.
Later i thought, what would i do if that happened for real. Like knowing your life will end like this. Will i want to live even for the next second, or should I still be looking at life with the same curiosity of, what happens next?
And i thought about Anne frank and other people in the holocaust, there were soo many beautiful people... 😢😢
Goodnight.
Love ❤️❤️❤️