Dear Diary,
This whole Kelli situation has had me feeling out of sorts for awhile.
I never went through that phase of wanting to get back together. In fact, once she was gone I felt a sigh of relief. Not once did I even miss her.
She however claims that I destroyed her life.
I suppose in a way, I could accuse her of the same. It's because of her that none of my friends talk to me anymore.
But I've had my grievance period for them and have accepted the loss.
The only thing I miss is having someone to talk to... Especially in times like this when my heart is just so full of rage.
A little advice could go a long way, or even just an ear that won't pass judgement. Maybe even validate my feelings no matter how unreasonable they seem.
The fact is, that I regret ever going out with Kelli. I regret the whole relationship. It should have ended the first time we met in person, when she invited me to her house, and I walked into what I can only call a shit covered clusterfuck. There was cat and dog shit everywhere. The smell was fucking atrocious.
No, scratch that. I should have never agreed to meet her after she kept blowing up my phone from the dating site. I knew I wasn't interested... But thought maybe I was overthinking things. I really did want to be in a relationship. I was craving attention... Maybe I just needed to let go and have a little fun?
That first night when she took me to her apartment... I felt weird about it. I mean who spends the night with someone on the first date? Can you even call that a date?
I guess it doesn't matter what you call it. The point is that I shouldn't have been there if I didn't want to be. I just
didn't want to offend her. Especially since she was a bit emotional from telling me about a past trauma she experienced years before.
So many times I wanted to call it quits.. but couldn't because I simply didn't want to hurt her.
I have always been that way. Not just with her, but with everyone my whole life. I'm a people pleaser.
I'm not sure if that trait was just born with me? Or if it comes from abuse I suffered as a child?
Or maybe some part of me feels like I have been dealt so much pain in my life that it doesn't matter if I get hurt, as long as I don't pass it on to anyone else. If I save someone else from shedding tears .. It's worth it.
I tried to spare Kelli a broken heart. I tried to stay and pretend that I was happy.. even though she had taken everything from me.
Before her.. I used to take singing lessons. But I quit because it was taking time away from her.
I was into my artwork... But she would get jealous that my attention wasn't on her. Even I let her stay in the room once while I painted. After I was done, she said she didn't like me in that zone, because I was too far away mentally.
I had a job...she blew up my phone in tears because she missed me. I could barely listen to my music without hearing a notification ding in the middle of my favorite songs. It was so annoying.
On break, I was expected to call... And I did because I had a morality issue lying and telling her that I didn't get one. She would have never known anyways..but I am not that kind of person. I didn't want to be that kind of person. But I admit, I did fantasize about it.. Not calling her when I got off, and just going home. Turning my phone off till I had gotten some sleep and was ready to talk to her again. All I needed was some freaking time to myself. And time with my other friends. But that was just too much to ask I guess.
Thankfully I did get my job back after we broke up.
And I did express at times my need for space. And in her way, she tried. But like a child I had a curfew to be done talking to my friends, or spending time with my son. If I was late..she just waited in the car like a lost puppy. Gave me anxiety.
The last night I spent with her, she started rambling about her ex's who she had left in the middle of nowhere... Started making jokes about a body farm.
Looking in my eyes, as I was half asleep she asked what I was thinking. I told her it was a nice fucking bedtime story. And that I was sure I would get a great night of rest. She told me not to worry...She loves me, and would never hurt me. Yeah...right you psycho.
Why couldn't she see that hurting me, was all she was doing? And why couldn't I tell her? Before I went to sleep that last night, I was trying to be romantic. Trying to get my mind off her story and soften the mood.
The song Eternal Flame by the Bangles came on the radio. I tried to sing it, but those words fell so emptily out of my mouth. She had to know that I was ready to call quits.
I hadn't quite decided... but she was talking about moving us to a small town, and I had a lot of fears about that. Though I do admit that I did like the town more than the place I call home now. But I felt she was trying to isolate me away from everything and everyone.
It had already started to happen when we got a motel room there. She told me that she would take me to spend time with my son anytime I wanted. But she needed gas to get to work at McDonald's.
I'm not implying that's not a good place to work, but when we met; She told me that she was a therapist.. or something like that. She was in the mental health field anyway. Then came to find out that she was jobless, and nearly homeless. You would just think that she would look for work in her field. But nope.... McDonald's.
Actually she became homeless when we were together. Good old Aimee to the rescue... Had her fucking move in. What a nightmare..
I should have known it wouldn't work. I live with my ex husband and my 18 year old son. And she hates men.
She accused my ex of running around the house naked... I knew that was a lie. But consoled her anyways because she was crying so hard because she was scared. Looking back... She just wanted the attention.
My ex never runs around naked. Not only is he ashamed of his body, but he also has respect for my son and I. He even had respect for her till she tried to steal his pay card.
There was just so many bad times in the short three months we were together. I can't even remember one good day that I didn't have to fake a laugh or smile.
Now she is gone..
But also still here. This little CPS incident this morning. She has the power to ruin and scar my son for life. And she knows it.
And she will try... Because it will be her way of getting back at me for ending the relationship.
It's just so fucked up.
She claims that I destroyed her. But I am the one living in fear of her.
Every time I see a car that looks like hers my heart stops because I don't know what she will say or do. One time, she nearly hit me as I was walking to work.
We had just broken up. She was speeding. I could tell she was crying, because she drives crazy like that when she is upset..and girl cries over literally everything. I don't even know if she saw me? I want to say it wasn't intentional, but who knows?
I used to like walking both too and from work. Especially at night.
The night air always gave me a sense of peace and tranquility after a hard night at work. Now I get a ride home if I can... If not, I wait for my son to come with our dog. Because I don't know if she is there lurking in the shadows.
It's because of her that I am on this new diary platform. Not that it's an all bad thing, but I had people who I could talk to anonymously there.
And there is one person there whom I am always hoping will talk to me again. I called her my Jersey Girl, and sometimes Mistress depending on the topic.
I loved her. And I still love her. Even though she is long gone. I'm always hoping and praying that she will give me another chance to be her friend.
I don't deserve it. But.... I always say that you never know when life is gonna throw you a curve ball and smack you straight in the face when you aren't expecting it.
But now, how can that even happen if the one place that we were safe to talk and be ourselves...is no longer safe?
I know you can't answer me. But thank you Diary for hearing my thoughts and not judging.
Maybe I will look into therapy and see if I can get some help with this.
My gut instinct wants to pack up my things and skip state in the name of my fears. But one, I don't have money for that. Not do I have anywhere to go. So, I guess I am just gonna sit tight for now.