Peru is very interesting... she changes her mind about me daily. Lol I really don't blame her because it's hard to trust people, especially those from a different country. I feel like she doesn't know what she wants or she is afraid of falling in love with someone like me. Arrogant, but kind. Ugly, but a great personality. American. Gringo. I'll be honest and I bet Peru would be super pissed at me, but I still think she manipulates me. I go along with it because I didn't think she would get to me. Oh, but she did. I was wrong lol when I went crazy last week it was because Peru bombarded me with questions and I feel like she knew it would affect my mental health and just kept fucking with my head until I broke. I honestly think it was because when I "broke up" with her the first time, she didn't like that and seeked revenge. Why am I still talking to her then? That's easy. The distance is a fucking killer between us. Yes, she broke me and I think it was on purpose, but if we were in the same Country, I seriously believe we would be fine. There are so many things I keep inside as much as I am honest and straightforward with her and myself. I think she was brainwashed by her mother into thinking she is never good enough. She has insecurities, which I don't mind. We all have them, but the way in which she speaks has me believing that she has to be working all the time or reading up on anything and everything related to business. I don't mind that she does that. I want her to relax, but I believe she wants to make her mother proud. I won't stop her. She's fucking so intelligent and ambitious. I can deal with that. It's Peru's backlash that haunts me. Sure, I'm lazy, but I have my MBA and a great fucking job in which I get paid very well. I can use every excuse in the book to tell her I'm not lazy, but her perception maybe different. It's not wrong and it's not accurate. That's why it's perception. Today she said I condition her by calling her gorgeous and basically being a flirty person all around. LMAO I wouldn't even know how to condition or a better word... control someone. I honestly think she's gorgeous and that is why I compliment her every fucking day. She also believes I am desperate because I want a wife. I'm not desperate. I just want what I want. Idk it's very complicated and I don't mind that, but I shall find out in February what I want to do. I don't want to do long distance, but if it turns out we are a solid couple in February like I've always thought... why not wait for her? Sex is just sex. I'm looking for the real thing. I don't want to wake up in 10 years and hate my wife. That shit is not fun and is more stressful than anything I can think of. Oh shit! One more thing she said to me today. She said depression is a decision. Lol she couldn't be more wrong. Sure, I understand her perception because she had depression when she was younger and is fine now, but all individuals are different. This is going to sound bat shit crazy, but I have voices in my head that tell me different things everyday and it's a constant battle to defeat these inner demons. I feel like Peru believes I make this up or I'm not trying hard enough to defeat depression? That's not a thing. At least I have never found a way. Is it possible? Sure, I don't see why not, but I just don't have that type of depression? Idk Peru keeps me on my toes and we can discuss topics like this without getting angry. It's the fucking distance that kills us and I don't believe she thinks that's the reason why we are back and forth at least once a month. Oh well, I hope she actually comes in February and doesn't try to.. what I feel... manipulate me. The only reason I can think of why she did that was because of this other dude in Peru that she likes. She always reverts back to wanting to only be friends. Idk what her intentions are and I don't really think she knows either. Lol I don't want to write anymore even though I would like to talk about something else. Peru takes up most of my thinking these days and sometimes it's just exhausting, but I knew finding a wife would be difficult, especially for my picky dumbass.
-DrAW