Lockdown Buddies


[ENTRY 77..✍️]

This past week, my feelings have been overwhelming me and I wanted to write about them but I couldn't bring myself to because it felt like I had so much to say and I didn't know where to begin. It's like cleaning and arranging a really messy room. I look around contemplating where and how I should start.. and there's just too much. Until I just let lethargy shroud my energy, delaying the chore.

This is, as always, about Chace again. This doesn't cover the entirety of what I want to let out but for now, I'm going to show you a bit of our past by a conversation that happened between us over a week ago.

Him: "We had such a good time. We talked for hours daily. I spent my nights with you. Everyday. I remember your 'nanight'."
Me: "I remember your 'we are linked now'. Legit creeped me out."
Him: "BAHAHA. I remember. But why did I say that again?"
Me: "Cos I sent you a pic of my grandma 😂"
Him: "Yesss. What a creepy guy, huh."
Me: "You weirdo."
Him: "You lil birdie."
Me: "I thought you changed personalities, for real. Cos the first time we talked, you seemed so formal, idkkk."
Him: "I was. But after we got to know each other for some time, I became comfortable being myself :)"

Me: "You somewhat intimidated me, no joke. I remember sharing to you one of my short stories and I was very shy at first cos you might think it was dumb or meh."

Him: "I remember your stories, it’s never dumb. And I wanted to find your blog so much. I tried a lot. Hahaha. But never found it."
Me: "Oh, I've long abandoned that one."
Him: "And if I had stayed the formal guy, would you have kept talking to me?"
Me: "Yes, cos I was interviewing people 😂"
Him: "Oh, right. It was the reason we talked. You asked me a lot of questions. Hahahaha. I found it fun. And it was very different."
Me: "Yes, and it'd annoy me when you'd ask back: 'How about you?' But I didn't tell you that 😂"
Him: "BAHAHAH. But after some time, were you glad about it? Or never liked it."
Me: "Well, I became pretty talkative afterwards to even show you a pic of my grandma. I shared stuff of my own accord. Sooo... good job."
Him: "Did you send me a pic of you in a tree? Or is my memory dusty."
Me: "Yes 😂 My sisters made it a meme. You know.. around the time we talked, I was putting up old encyclopedias in my bookshelf and had it locked. One time, I opened the glass cover again and had a whiff of the scent of the old books and it brought me nostalgic feelings back on the first lockdown. Can't believe it's almost two years? Damn. How are we still friends. Hahaha."
Him: "Yep, those were good moments. Lockdown buddies 🙂 Like we said, we'd never forget those months of talks. And I'm happy we kept in contact. Or at least, have a way to stay in contact."

"The other night, when you saw me.. Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't want to talk to you in secret while I still had a girlfriend… It's for that reason I avoided you as much as possible. So... I said nothing instead."

Chace and I, hmm… I'm just really trying to be a good friend for now because I feel truly bad for him. The guy is destroyed and needs whatever affection anyone can provide for him and sadly, I'm the closest thing he can get that from. He's been trying to call me plenty of times but with the signal, we can only resort to texting (electricity's back now, by the way). I completely understand what he's going through because I've been there.. with Patch. And those days, I also used my friend to comfort and distract me, so I know firsthand the attention I give will never be enough to fill the empty space his ex-girlfriend left. But a diversion is a diversion. It should hurt so much because they lived together for six months.. I knew it.

I wonder what that feels like... 

Sigh. Here I am again getting jealous of other people's experiences and the sorrows that come from it.

They already broke up a little over a month ago but the girl was still staying at his flat after that. Mid-December, she met someone new and is dating that guy now. I guess he was most shattered by the fact that he's been replaced already, making the break-up more official and real.

At the end of November, when we chatted, we had this convo.

ME: "Where are you now?
HIM: "In a tower, 32nd floor, working."

Few minutes later…

HIM: "But I just finished so now I'm going back home. Back to Bliss :)"

I didn't know how to react to that so I just said: "Haha, take care."

Perhaps by that time, they were already over? I've come to mention here that he even flirted with me. And he was also in a reminiscing mood. He talked about how he still remembers seeing me for the first time and catching his attention out of all the other girls he had seen from my country. 

"But then I saw you in a black and silver dress… And it caught my eyes."

We've been talking daily but of course, not as much as before when we first met. Honestly, because of the first lockdown, we got to know each other better and would chat all night long until it was 11 in the morning. That's why he said I was worse than drugs because once he'd talk to me, he couldn't stop until morning. Hmm.. Now, although we're sort of back to our old routine, so much has just changed. Back then, I was the only apple to his eyes. And I still remember our past like it was yesterday. Like when he told me these very words: "Tu eres la mujer de mi vida." Now, another woman has taken my place and so much more. And I've now become the girl to whom he dumps all of his heartache about another girl. He doesn't know anything about how all of this is making me feel at all. And still, my stupid arse invites all the pain with gates wide open.

Why do I like punishing myself..