[ENTRY 74..✍️]
"It's so hard. It's the first time I have this feeling. I can't stop thinking of her. Even if I try to do something else. I don't even know what to do. Even when I'm home, I'm lost."
He has no idea. He has no idea how these words of his dropped my world and clenched my chest. How I felt was probably nothing compared to what he was feeling—and what he's still feeling now—but my heart still shattered all the same. I thought I was finally over him. But him talking about his sentiments for her suddenly ripped a scar in my heart open. Flashbacks from 2020 and last year flooded my head with recollections from when similar feelings consumed my whole being when he left without saying goodbye and came back with news that he was already dating someone else—the very girl responsible for his present distress. Although I wasn't a stranger to intense heartbreaks having already experienced them twice myself, the third still caused an amount of damage enough to severe my spirits. And I'm ashamed to admit that I'm jealous because what he's going through now, he didn't with me. I'm jealous because I mourned and cried for him, and when it's finally his turn to be broken, I'm not the reason behind his tears.
"Did she initiate the break-up?"
"At first, I wanted to do it months ago, but I didn't and was loving her more everyday. And now it was her choice."
Loving her more everyday…
Another memory flashed in my head: "Bliss, you are my sunshine and I like you more and more each day."
He liked me more and more but he was loving her more everyday... ☹
Well… she was the girlfriend. I was just an almost lover ☹
"It's the first time I have this feeling..."
(But I want to be the one to make him feel it first. I want it to be me.. ☹)
Watching him this way hurts me so and all I want is to make things better for him but I can't help being envious with the pain the girl has inflicted upon him. Am I truly still in love with him or am I just being petty? It seems like the effect of their rupture on him stirs me more than when they were still dating. What's more disturbing is that I'm also jealous of the fact that they broke up. I'm jealous that he's miserable because of a break-up. I've never had a break-up. And I want a man to love me so much that when we're through, he'd feel the same as Chace does right now. Am I cruel to have these desires? What is this? Where is this springing from? Why am I like this?
I know my first and second love cried for me, but… We had no label so it doesn't count.
Does it?
All of a sudden, I want to experience the joys and sorrows in a committed relationship. This may sound really weird and childish but I want to break-up with someone and actually have the right to call it a "break-up" because we finally have a label. But I don't have a boyfriend. I never did. And I don't know when I'll ever have one.
This somewhat reminds me of a poem I stumbled upon a long time ago. It goes like…
"Teach me the art,
Of breaking a heart.
I, too, want to be,
In someone else's poetry."
☹☹☹
To be honest, despite it all, I'm glad Chace's heartache affects me. I'm glad he still has the power to cause a turmoil in my emotions. Because at the end of the day, I'd still rather feel broken than feel nothing at all.