I thought about Peru all day today and I didn't cry, but my eyes definitely welted up... I miss talking to her, but I know it's for the best. I almost downloaded Whatsapp again, but I don't want to hurt myself. So many scenarios run through my head where we will be together one day, but the chances are slim especially for a while. No one will change their mind about having kids on a serious level so quickly. I know she is at least mad at me, but I just pray she feels better faster than myself. I don't know if she knows I deleted Whatsapp yet, but anything could happen. She could actually try to move on or she could be pissed at me and hate my guts or she might even call her sister to have her talk to me into talking to her. If she does that, does she really like me? I honestly never believed she liked me more than a friend, but she would manipulate me into thinking otherwise so I would continue to text her. All of this sounds arrogant af, but I just have this feeling she did like me and just never wanted to admit it because she's gorgeous and I'm average. She always hated when I said stuff like that, but it was fucking true. She is ridiculously gorgeous. Anyways, I know all of that sounds arrogant and I'm not afraid to admit that it does sound arrogant, but it comes from a good place. This is what depression and anxiety does to me. Back and forth between good and evil... I try to be good, but my thoughts make me believe I am bad. I know if I was still talking to Peru I would absolutely send this diary date and yesterday's to her and she would get mad at stupid things, but also she would try to cheer me up. I love strong women and she is definitely strong and is not afraid to tell me the truth on some things. Idk I went with my gut feeling that she always just wanted to be friends, but what if I'm wrong? All the signs point to she just wanted to be friends, but I just seem to have this notion that I can get any girl to like me if they give me a legit chance. There's my arrogance again, but I feel that confidence and will never ignore that feeling since I was timid and lacked confidence until I was like 22 or 23. I can't get her out of my head and it probably will be like that for weeks. I can't let things go and I always think about anything and everything all fucking day. It's impossible to shut my brain off and that is usually a bad thing, but sometimes a good thing. Anyways, I half believe this is over and the other half of me believes we will reconnect in February or I will break down foolishly and be friends with her like she wants. I want more, but I factor in her feelings and situation and I want to make Peru happy at the sacrifice of my own happiness. Don't get me wrong, I will be happy to talk to her again, but the future after that will bring me hope that I don't need because I will be crushed. I am always afraid of what I might due if my heart is shattered again. Not by Peru, but another girl shattered it last year. It legitimately took me months to get over and we didn't even fucking date. That's how emotionally attached I get. It's embarrassing and pisses me off, but it's who I am. I have to be strong and know I did make a selfish choice, but it was in the best interest of my mental health. I'm always living in the future and don't live in the present. I'm very hard on myself, but I am more successful at life than I ever have been at 32 years old. I'm proud of myself, but I have to remain strong. I will die living on my confidence, which may be dangerous. I am intrigued and mortified on what will happen in the next couple of weeks.
-DrAW