Dear Diary,
Growing up Catholic there has been a big change becoming a Jehovah Witness two years ago. But being homeless, while one of the worst experiences of my life, was definetely the best. When you are homeless each day you have to get up and face the world. Having nothing means you have to get up every day in search of something. After 10 years spent in a depressive state, all the activity was a good thing.
The bad thing, however, was when I found out the life expectancy of a homeless woman. Most of them die by the time they are 43, males 47. It was horrifyingly medevial. Especially this year that I am 41. And I have this feeling life has to change or this is the end of it all.
After my major surgery I had nowhere to go and returned to our home, Adam, and our tent on 185th street behind the Mobil station in the woods. It was once my favorite place in the wood. That was until others encroached upon the spot and ruined it. Other homeless people always ruin everything. All the people that we ever tried to be homeless with took and took and never give.
And then they take what you have and dont want to even share and won t give back. Its pointless being friends with people who are selfish and have nothing to offer. But, in having nothing themselves they really cant be blamed. But most are horribly selfish entitled people. When I see how most of them act I look at their attitude and then the way they act (which do not match at all) and think what kingdom did you grow up in?
After the surgery, up in the woods I saw a figure standing outside one night, the dark outline of a man. At first I thought it to be one of the people who ruined our spot. Then I realized it was just how the trees and bushes formed the spot. But it looked so real that it was like a spiritual image, a foreboading warning from God. It turned back when it looked like the figure was holding a scythe, like the grim reaper. It was God telling me, "Change your life or death is coming."
And for the last few months we have changed our lives, been busting our ass to hustle up enough money to live inside, though lots of people have helped. Tomorrow I am nervous because rent is due and we have to come up with some mula and we are having some iddues with that. Hopefully everything will work out. Ill pray.