January 05, 2022

 

I finally understand why I never tried to date anyone until I was 30... I fucking hate to hurt others feelings. Peru and myself met six months ago on Tinder and we have text each other everyday for the last six months. Every fucking day... I honestly had a feeling the entire time that she just wanted to be friends, but we live in separate countries and I'm arrogant enough to always believe I can change a girl's mind and get out of the friendzone. I made it clear to her that I was looking for a wife and she made it clear that she was just not into me, but we always came back to each other. I was in a fake relationship for 6 months and I really didn't mind. I joked all the time about my fake relationship and continued to do it because I like this girl, but wanted to know if I could catch feelings and be in love with her. We argued a lot because we are both stubborn as fuck. She always asked me if I was seeing other girls and I wasn't, but I was definitely looking because I can't wait for her. She gave me an ultimatum once to either do a long distance relationship or she will see other dudes. I took the latter and told her I would text her a lot less because I would feel like an asshole if I were talking to her while she was dating someone. She said we could still be friends, but I'm not cool with being a dickhead and talking to a girl who's in a relationship and also I wanted more with her. I feel she tried to manipulate me a couple of times, but honestly that didn't bother me. I feel like most relationships have some sort of manipulation in it. It doesn't work on me anyway as I will always tell that person my honest opinion everytime. Anyways, Peru had backtracked a couple of times because she really wanted to be friends and would tell me sweet nothings to continue texting me. I didn't care about that either because she was coming back in February and I was excited to be in her presence again. OMG she is so fucking gorgeous and she had some self-esteem issues. I told her every chance I could get how gorgeous she was. It's fucking ridiculous. I have a lot of issues myself and she called me out on it a lot. This is really good for me as I am attracted to strong women and she made me think about my actions. I can't change overnight, but I do try to be better than I was yesterday. Here's why I am writing today... I broke up with her... fucking sad as it is to say I got out of a fake relationship. We were never going out, but it felt like it. She asked me out of the blue what I would do if she got pregnant. Keep in mind we have only hung out a couple of times since she was near my location for 2 months to visit her sister. I thought it was weird, but I answered the question truthfully. I would ask her to move to my Country (Yes very selfish) and then I would hope that we are compatible to have a family. Her answer was she would abort the baby. Honestly, I want to be a dad, but it is her body and she has the final say. It was just so weird she asked that out of the blue so I asked her if she wants children. She dodged the question the first time and answered the second time that she does not want children until she is 40 (She is 27) and she was going to freeze her eggs when she was 30. Unfortunately, that's not a good answer for me. I want children and I know if someone is hesitant about the subject to get out of that... "relationship". I told her that was a deal breaker for me and she immediately said we could be friends. I want something more with her and she got mad because I told her I was looking for a wife and not a friend. We communicate via Whatsapp and she started saying I don't care about her and shit. The truth is, I care about her too much and did not want to be her "friend". I would be a terrible friend to her. I would stop texting her as much and always push for is to be together. I don't want to hurt her or myself so I thought it was best to delete the app. I wish I would have text her more how much I truly care about her, but I felt like it was going to be a moot point as I believe she always just wanted to be friends. Shitty part is I feel fucking terrible. I want her to be fine, but I also need to take care of myself. I know her life enough (she barely shared anything about herself) to know that she needs a friend, but I can't do that at my own expense. I feel selfish as fuck, but I am confident I made the right choice. I am a very emotional dude and I did shed some tears today. I already miss her and I pray she is OK with the situation. I hope she is not crying and I hope I didn't hurt her feelings. I wish things would work out, but we have different perceptions on almost everything and that's what made us great together. I loved the challenge. I have a feeling this isn't over, because she is still visiting her sister in February as far as I know. Idk what I'll do if she contacts me... it would be smart to stick to my guns, but I am only human and only time will tell. Another interesting aspect about this fake relationship before I go... I strictly spoke to her in Spanish by using Google translate. I tried to learn her language while texting her, but I have a hard enough time with English... she does speak very little English, but she gave enough effort for me to want to talk to her. The beginning of our relationship is another entry I might do later, but this one is all about the sadness I feel for losing this gorgeous girl, even though it may have been for the best. I can't stress enough that I hope she isn't crying and she finds another friend. I miss her so fucking much even after only one full day. I hope she will be OK... 


-DrAW

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