Dear Diary,
Ever felt really alone. Like a suddenly realisation that it’s only you in the end… a couple of days I felt motivated, happy, positive mind set and now today…the opposite.
D is depressed. He hates his job. He comes home and is like a black cloud setting up roots in my living room. He won’t talk to me and when he does it’s very few words. He snaps at the kids. He never has sex with me anymore. Like we are housemates more than husband and wife. He never wants to do anything with me and the kids. I’m like a single mother.
So I’m in a loveless marriage. My children love me but they will grow up and live their own lives. My life revolves around them.
I feel friendless
My best friend snapped at me because I said I respected her “views and opinions” on covid. She said their not that, their fact. I am so fucking sick of this covid bullshit. I don’t force my opinions on anyone and respect whatever others believe or don’t believe. But I get attacked whenever I don’t go along with whatever anyone wants. Fact is I don’t have an opinion, I’m neither for or against any of it. Maybe I just don’t give a shit.
I think it’s upsetting me so much that S has attacked me, because she’s my best friend. I’ve had a few best friends over the years. The friendship is always the same. I put them on a pedestal and they can do no wrong. Eventually they get the shits with me and the friendship fades. And I’m left feeling rejected and like there is something wrong with me. I feel this may be happening with this friendship. I guess almost 5 years was a good innings? I think about my other friendships. B, I hardly see and when we do organise to catch up she always cancels one way or another. We used to be so close but since she got her new partner I guess she didn’t need my friendship so much. Found out another friend visited from out of town (second time) but never thought to let me know. I thought we were close. I think about other friendships and realised they’re based on the kids being friends with their kids. I don’t have anyone that I just hang out with because they like my company. I don’t offer anyone anything anymore.
Loser