January 03, 2022
Dear Diary, the past is really catching up to me. My past decisions at least. Years ago as a graduation present to myself I rewarded myself with an act of self destruction and the rash decisionto move to a whole new state. I'm not really sure why but it was a process that began the first day of 12th grade to graduation day. What I never considered was what I'd be left with, the equivalence to Ashes basically. With the move came lots of changes. I moved to be with the rest of my family which I also didn't think about because realistically what I did was throw myself in the lives of people who were already set. So not only do I have to adjust but so did they. It was like being an alien. It still is.
From there I guess I just started reacting. To ever. School was over my schedule was clear so my mind made an executive decision to think of everything I've ever been through and just react. So now not only did my family have to deal with a new person, they had to deal with someone having constant panic attacks, anger outbursts, anxiety, depression, etc.. It also hit me that in the act of self destruction I threw away every single one of my friends. Actually. Not the dramatic "I have no friends" no I actually don't have anyone. All the people I could've had to talk about anything with didn't exist anymore. And because I do everything to my 110%, texting or calling one of them and apologizing wasn't gonna cut it. So I bottled everything up. So I guess you could say I started to go insane.
I also started to isolate myself from family....unintentionally, but still did it. Besides all this everyone is the opposite of me so I didn't really have anything I could talk to anyone about. And now that time has gone by and I've adjusted to being here I've adjusted to a life of loneliness. I know it's my fault I'm a very self aware person but it doesn't make seeing my family members with all their friends and ignoring me any easier. At family get together I spend the whole time sitting on the couch while everyone has fun.
I've tried to change this for awhile now but the damage is already done. My cousins ignore me and they have their own lives. One of them is about to be a parent and I unfortunately won't be able to be as close as my other cousins might because I have no connection to them. There's just a lot to talk about. It would take a lifetime.
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