January 02, 2022


Dear Diary, had a bad day. Our landlord came today and said that on the 19th a handyman will come to release air out of our radiators. This is complete bullshit  we always did this ourselves, it's not that hard. He even told us last year that WE should do it. My mom hates it when somebody else comes in our flat. And there is a radiator in every room. She has stuff she doesnt want anyone to see and we dont know where to put it. This also means that she will obsess about cleaning everything the next few weeks. She does not like to clean but always fears people seeing some dust or sth. Personally I dont care of that handyman guy sees any dust or whatever and that guy wont care either, but she is stressing out completely. Of course I will help her clean and stuff but what I dont like is that she will be in a bad mood until that is over. She keeps saying "Tell me sth. positive" and I don't ever know anything to say. If I say sth. realistic like "its not that much, the guy wont care, at least we will get some cleaning done" she wont accept it because its not hopeful enough. But I dont like saying sth. unrealistic because she wont accept that either. She always does this and it puts such a huge burden on me everytime. It's been like this since I've been a kid. Ugh.

Also I think that this might be because of me. Our landlords are a couple that lives im the same house as us  which sucks because they are assholes. Until 2 years ago his dad was our landlords but then they got the house. His dad is an asshole too, but at least we dont live in the same house. Yesterday I woke up late as usual and open the shutters and by some hellish coincidence they were walking under my window apparently. I was already walking away when I hear "Good morning amd happy new year" from her. It was almost 14:00  so that good morning was hell of sarcastic. I just stood up and really didnt feel like saying anything back to this poisoned nice words. So I didnt. I hate putting up a front when I go outside already I'm not going to do it in my fucking room. Maybe that pissed her off. Maybe its just a coincidence. Hiring that handyman costs them money after all.

Also I went to my dad today to eat. So another occasion I have to put up a front. I dont care about all their talk about vacations. I know its their only passion in their boring lives and I dont begrudge them for it or anything. But pretending like I care about this stuff or the terrible German series they watched where a cleaning lady with IQ 160 solves crimes is so hard. And then I feel bad about it because they arent at fault for being the way they are. But I'm not either you know. When I was a teen I openly showed how little I cared but now I think that would just be cruel, so I pretend. Afterwards I went for a walk in the night just to feel like myself again.

All I want is to live near some people that are my kind of normal and hang out with them. Bonus if one is a cool. She doesnt even need to be my girlfriend nececarily, I just want to hang out with someone who isnt from a whole different planet as me. In school I at least still felt like I was part of something even though I was very different there too. There was a chance to hang out with people. But that chance seems to be completely non existant now. Belle had her cool sides and went on walks with me, but she also had some hyper conventional thinking and never wanted to hang out at her home. Knight also doesnt want that.

Also some girl that I had match with on bumble a few months ago started writing me again after our short conversation pattered out. She said that she is less busy now. She is nice but I dont really feel any connection between us. If we met in real life I bet she wouldnt understand my actual nature. I already said that I'm sorry and not really much in the mood to write. But I still kept up the conversation because I felt I had to. I'm such a hypocrite talking about wanting connections but then not using an opportunity like this. Maybe I'm completely wrong about her, but I usually can tell.

You all must think I'm stupid but I  wish you all a nice day!