December 31, 2021
First half of yesterday went well.came to college and did what i was supposed to do. I did not cut corners.last night though i went on my usual habit. I guess i was just happy to be watching a great show and having dinner with my husband. It is not an excuse. But this habit of coming home and not doing anything i planned to do is not the way im going to get through this year.
I want to make a promise to myself to not watch any Netflix or dramas for the next 8 months. Till exams are over.. 3 weeks after exams i can watch as much as i want.
Im not sure if i am able to do delayed gratification. Maybe if im promising myslef here i can do it. Ive always thought it. After every drama is over.. after every binge.. this was the last.. no more.. the fact that i have never kept to what i have said has made me loose trust in myself. I need to build this trust back. A trust that i will keep a promise to myself. To be honest with myself.
The fact of the matter is that if i continue this way i will be wasting away my masters. I may just pass but for what. What is the point if im not a skilled and knowledgable specialists. There is no point to all this. Im studying something i love. I dont get it. Why has this happened.
When i look back it started with imposter syndrome. This was reinforced when i made mistakes and strugled.. i just gave up on myself. This is not me. Not at all. Im hardworking.. im smart.. im passionate. I love what i do.. im caring. I have what it takes to be really great at what i do and help so many people. I want to do the best for all who come to me. The mext 8 months is critical to become that.. buld the confidence.
Im going to spend the next 3 hours completing and updating my log book for 2021 so rhat i can start fresh for 2022. Yes. 2022 is going to be different. It is my year to grow. Break out of this shell that i am trapping myself if.. its time..
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