Dear Diary, today was eventful sike nothing happened no work(a plus) no celebration just me lying down watching movies and drifting asleep. Talk to my sister that was a bust I begin to talk that’s were I went wrong who told you to talk just listen. I’m beginning to shift away from her (energy) my mom gave baby girl some Christmas Money will sit down soon to buy needed winter attire for school. I Dust my desk and wash some clothes now I’m going to throw some gain dish soap in a bath (ghetto I know) it’s the only thing that keeps the bubbles from disappearing while playing spa sounds on my Alexa as a matter of fact I might introduce some candles into the mix and try to silence my thoughts pray I hear a message from God I know he’s with me that would be pleasant.
After 3am this morning I received a call from across the world begging me to be in a relationship again I entertained it because I’m use to him pathetic I know it brought on tingles in my stomach and other areas he exposed his self bathing out of a bucket in the shower saying the area he reside has a limit on hot water which is understandable. As I’m viewing his stature I’m shaking my head I shouldn’t be here looking at this we chatted a bit then I hung up to do something I’m fasting from Masturbation didn’t take long w/ fasting frequently from food my blood rush to that area to compensate my hunger for sexual satisfaction. It was all in vain and flesh I regret because I’ve been consumed with Travis Greene in his lyrics “take everything I don’t want it I don’t need it God” it played loudly on my conscious as I performed the act the worst part is flipping through videos of whites girls giving Oral not my norm but I was desperate at the moment.
Fast forwarding to today of triggering thoughts of going off my carnivore diet for chocolate chip cookies or Cobb salad that I still might dive into tomorrow homemade tho.
O lord I am sinner with no type of Will. My will is perverted and destructive. HELP I invite specific behaviors and activity in my life for temporary pleasures instead of having delayed gratification and waiting on you. I am incapable to do this on my own I have Faith you will help. When I had the urge I should've found corresponding verses to strengthen my Will but I dove in head first and my heart was in the wrong place. Will me into better judgement. Jesus Name Amen