Dear Diary, feeling very melancholic on Christmas. I just decorated a little tree with my mom. It was fun, but I haven't been able to get into the christmas spirit for years now if I'm being honest. There are all those high expectations associated with it. Awesome presents, decorations, happy family and loved ones. I just dont feel like I can live up to it. Thankfully my mom doesnt have super high expectations, but I still need to keep up a bit of a facad.
Yesterday Knight wrote me and we talked for a bit. At one point she asked: "Oh what are you doing for christmas tomorrow?" I answered truthfully that I was going to decorate the tree and eat with my mom. She said that sounds nice and said that she was going to spend it at home with her friend eating hot pot and watching a movie. I wonder if she wrote the first question to be the beginning of an invitation. If I had said "nothing" would she have asked me to come over? That would have been awesome, but I don't think I have the heart to leave my mom home alone today. Oh I'm in Germany so TODAY is the big christmas day, not tomorrow like in the US. It would be nice though if maybe we could spend new years eve together like we did 3 years ago. That was fun. Unlikely to happen again though.
I've been looking at photos of Belle I took when we were still doing stuff together. That was also so much fun. It almost felt like having a girlfriend. I remember when she needed pink jogging pants for the theatre play she did and we went to all sorts of cheap clothestores to find one. Or when she called me late at night, because she heard about how Micheal Jackson died and it scared her. Or the time she wanted us to make a video of her singing Part of Your World from the little mermaid, and I was the fish. Who says manic pixie dream girls are unrealistic? Of course I remember her bad sides too. But still I've been thinking of writing her exactly one year after our bug argument. Don't know if I will do it though.
The last 2 weeks I've been thinking about a different girl, the one who is doing the Kurosawa course I'm in. Tl be clear she is a student who is doing the course as an extracurricular activity. 2 Weeks ago she did an extra session at a different time about the litrary influences of Rashomon. So I wasnt sitting on Campus with my tablet like usual (The course is on Zoom now) No, I was at home. And you know what that means: My posters could be seen behind me. One guy even gave me a compliment on them.
Now it probably means nothing, but the next time the course started. She was suddenly wearing makeup. I know that girls almost never wear makeup to impress guys. They do it for fun or because it boosts their confidence and a 1000 other reasons. But I can still dream right? She was also very enthusiastic when I activated my camera. Sadly I was on campus with my mask again and could only smile back with my eyes. Her makeup looked really good btw, and I'm not usually someone who likes girls more with makeup. Makeup is such a difficult topic for guys to talk about. Whatever you say about it is wrong lol. So I usually shut up about it. A girl from the course noticed it too though and complimented her on it. So I was not the only one who noticed that it was new.
I also did some online "research" on her and found her twitter. I'm a terrible person, I know. And it turns out she actually is an anime fan too. Specifically she is really into Cowboy Bebop. Not one of my personal favorites, but absolutely respectable. It makes it more likely that my posters peaked her interest. There was also a huge coincidence connecting her to P, the girl I wad in love with in school. They both did a year after school with a specific christian organisation that gives young peolle opportunities to work for social causes in many different european countries. You need to find sponsors to be eligible for this and I found evidence of her searching for them when she left school. I remember P doing the same. There are only about 180 students who do this per year. In one year about 350.000 students graduate, and I'm onl, counting those who do abitur. That means that there is only a 0,05% perce t chance that an individual student goes to this organisation. It's insane that both did and that is not even all of it! They both went to London! This organisation sends people to almost every european country, but they both went to the same city! This is just insane. I wonder of this shows some sort of similar mindset in the two of them. I know it's stupid but I always get excited for any connection between a girl and P, because she has basicall, become the prototype for any girl I like.
So this discovery inspired me to do a post in the Olat course for the Kurosawa tutorial. There is not much happening there, she is the only one who posts there. She always suggests that we discuss more there, but that is probably never going to happen. However, I found a pic that parodies the MCU by making a mock of a Kurosawa phase two with a lot of sequels to his movies. Like 8 Samurai or Ikiru 2: Rebirth. It's silly but I wanted to post it saying how hyped I was for the new movies and making jokes like how they are going to cast Chris Pratt or make CGI doubles of the original actors. It's silly but maybe she will find it funny. I tried yesterday, but it turns out I cant make a new topic in the forum. So now I'm thinking of posting it in the movie discussion threat she made. It's off topic, but maybe its ok since the threat is empty anyways? I'm not sure about it. I dont want to ruin her vision of the course with my dumb joke.
So anyways thats where I'm at, Merry Christmas to all of you!