I don't know what caused it but I remember another person from my past. No one in my life knows him, no one in my life the last 20 years knows him. He was my first crush. He seemed to have a crush on me as well, but I was never entirely sure. I could feel his stare from across the room, the way he flirted, sometimes innocent, sometimes downright sexual. At the same time he had a fiancee. So I never made a move and I didn't know how to respond.
We met again after graduation, but this time I was crushing on someone else and my health problem started showing. He noticed it and I thought that's nice of him to be concerned. That's about it, we parted ways and there is no contact whatsoever since. I've never heard about him getting married, but I'm sure he's been married for some time now.
Now I remember my other crushes from around the same time. I used to blame myself for not making a move on any of them, but now, decades later, I'm glad I didn't. It would've ended in tears, mine or theirs. I don't think I had a chance with any of them. The ones who had a crush on me too, their family would've made it difficult. They all came from money and look down on those who have little of it. I don't blame them and I wouldn't want to be a part of such family anyway. Wealth should set one free, generous and content - not stingy and miserable.
Speaking of family, mine is a bit of slow responding to my msgs. I'm fine with that, but I don't want to hear anyone complaining I never call, I never text, I never do this, I never do that, I don't care etc - it's not true, and it's emotionally manipulative. There I said it.