Dear Diary.
Good morning for the first time. I hope that we can be friends, and please treat me well, when I pour my heart and soul out onto this virtual paper. I am not good at writing. Probably I am making many mistakes, and my language isn’t the best. To top this up, I am not systematic, my mind wanders a lot, and my motivation can lack. I can easily start one thing, carry on for a moment, and then completely abandon the idea. Don’t know why.
But I want to change, I want to find out who I really am. Why I can not move forward, be happy, remember my past, except few sparks of memories that are usually confirmed facts not necessarily by me, but by others. They are not coming from within myself.
So let’s start.
Today I woke up dizzy and tired. All because of the difficulty of falling asleep last night. After struggling to find me a good spot to fall asleep, after trying to relax, do a bit of meditation recommended by my doctor (because apparently listening to the bored, lousy voice from the app will make me more relaxed(??) sic! don’t think so), I finally gave in and took Ambien to “help” me drift off. Worked perfect, as usual. Ambien always gives me this blissful feeling of falling into complete darkness, which is not scary at all (because usually, darkness scares the hush out of me.)
But Ambien darkness is different. It is cosy, welcoming and soft. I like how it surrounds my brain, helps not to think, not to looking for solutions, not to process million of questions ringing deep inside and just - sleep. The primal need of every being is fulfilled with the magic of a little, oval tablet, that goes like a dream.
Now I am paying the price of it. Being drowsy, not able to collect my thoughts. It takes the effort to decide what I want to say, write, think. What I need to feel. Classic. Double-sided sword many would say, but I would rather take it then struggle and go crazy(er).
Right now, I am in my lovely, dreamy zone of existence. I am considering a huge cup of coffee, as I need to keep myself awake until the scheduled doctors’ telephone appointment. Bliss for now, tears for later.
Because I know there will be some. Telephone from the Doc is going to be difficult, as me - the patient is very difficult to deal with. Also, I plan to ask for sick chit. I already know the questions . “Why do you need it?”, “Are you thinking about self-harm, or are you suicidal?”, “What about trying some meditation app?”. Seriously, sometimes I wonder if they are sponsored by the app developers. Is it so difficult to understand that if Apps were so good we won’t be having this conversation, right?
Off to get the coffee brewing.