December 09, 2021 #116
Dear Diary, I’m on my way to home from a used book store. It’s currently 18:40 and a man slightly smells like cider wood sits next to me. The other side, man in a red reading a strange comic.
Btw I’m listening to UP! by Shania Twain.
Today I woke up around noon and found out I was alone.
I read a book which was about how to read books. And I motivated to read some classics. I think I have never read those stuffs in my life. So that’s why I went to the used book store. I bought “Die Verwandlung” and “The old man and the sea.”
I also bought one of Load Darl and two of self-help.
I’m home now and I found my mom is hiding her tears on surface of her eyeballs. I guess it’s because of me… I didn’t come to our living room till noon and I spent time in my room till I went outside. (And she found me sitting on my bed and looking on my iPad headphones in…)
she doesn’t say why and I’m too scared to hear the reason.
Once she said she keeps half of what she wants to say to me in her mind because she thinks those will sent me in darkness of my mind. My mom tends to not say why she’s sad or mad at me and stay quiet. And is it irresponsible of me to not ask…………?
My mom’s negative emotions really affects on me. Actually almost of these are because of me. I can guess. When she seems angry, it’s because of me. And when she seems sad, it’s because of me. It is so. That’s why she doesn’t tell me the reason. Makes sense.
I try to remind myself that I don’t have to care like this even so. But it’s very difficult. But I can’t ask her what makes her sad. I won’t be happy again if she tells me everything in me.
Okay I’m so sad now. And it’s because of me. There is no way to change this except asking her the reason. But……… I’m still too weak to accept her words from her mouth…………
I wish I had been grown up with some kind of religion…
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