[ENTRY 60..✍️]
So.. my dad will be here tomorrow. Talk about unpleasant news. I mean, I care about the man because he's my father and all but I'm not particularly fond of his presence. I haven't seen him in months but I'm completely fine not seeing him ever again as long as I know he's alright. In fact, I've spent the last few years avoiding him because I just don't want to deal with his shit. Aside from being broke, he's the main reason why I never got a new phone in the first place just so I could have an excuse not to reply to him nor be forced to contact him by any means. This phone I have is already 5 years old so it's really ancient and when I say it can't receive messages or calls anymore, it's quite believable. Even when I only had it on airplane mode when I first started this deception so no one could reach me at all. But when I finally have my family convinced it's broken, I set it back to normal after some time because they no longer tried to contact me. If I gotta ignore dad this way, I have to include the rest of the family. I know there's Facebook now (parents just created accounts this year) but I choose not to be active. They recently set up a family group chat and I still haven't participated in it nor even took a peek. To say I'm making myself very aloof is an understatement.
My older sister thought of buying me a phone last Christmas but I insisted against it. I don't mind not having a new fancy phone, it's not that important to me. Not when I refuse to see messages from our dear father complaining about mom and his beloved daughters, blaming us for whatever misfortune and discontentment he has in his life, shitting my day by making me feel like the worst child in the world. Perhaps it's true but I really don't want to entertain such repetitive reminders. Might as well print out a copy of his rants and frame it in my room because boy, does the man say the same old shit.
"Shut up, father. Here. Let me read your thoughts for you."
I just hate how when he's around, our actions are suddenly controlled. We become conscious with what we do because he's a perfectionist and a very critical person. One small mistake and he could perform a declamation of how worthless and useless you are. His presence is like a nimbus cloud shrouding a perfectly sunny day. Although ironically, my perfect day consists of nimbus clouds.. But that's besides the point. I'm being metaphorical. I'm saying his advent is always dreaded by us because we know we'd be walking on eggshells when he's nearby. And it's the worst for me because I'm his least favourite daughter. He didn't actually say that but I know it. There's just always been some kind of suppressed, hostile tension between us ever since I talked back to him several years ago. And I was the only one who ever shouted back at him because growing up, we were conditioned to fear defying him but oh dear, I just had enough. It was a terrible fight. Hurtful words were exchanged and damn, did it feel good when I screamed my anger for him.
He deserved it.
But in my lifetime, he's inflicted more venomous words to my being, the worst ones deadly enough to penetrate the carapace of my sensitivity that up till now, still haunt me in my dreams.
I'm not saying he's an asshole all the time because when he's in a good mood, he's actually a pretty awesome guy. But when I think of him, my thoughts highlight the terrible things he's said and done, making me not want to see nor talk to him ever again. At some point, I even wanted him dead. I feel awful for having such thoughts but when a person terrorises you, don't you just want them to go to hell?
When I was a kid, he and mom had the worst disputes because he would scare us to death.
And I mean literally.
I still have this memory of when we were on the road and he was drunk. This happened a few times and I wasn't even in kindergarten then. He was always angry to mom when this would occur and from what I remember, mom was just calm. She would try to cool down his nerves because with dad's temper, she's always the one who has to be that way. Me and my older sister were in the front seat with them. Dad would speed up and intentionally swerve the car towards the direction of the oncoming vehicles—may it be a 10-wheeler truck or a bus, he didn't care. He'd attempt to abruptly change lanes as if to crash right into them and then evade it just a little before it would make contact. Horns would honk; my sister and I would cry so hard and my mom would yell for him to stop.
Just what kind of sick fuck would do that to his family with two little kids?!
He's not like that anymore, thankfully, but that was just downright horrifying. Sometimes I'd wonder if my mom married Satan.
Another episode of him being drunk. I was older this time but still relatively a kid. He literally told me right on my face that I was an illegitimate child. He and mom were, as usual, fighting again and he was pointing a malignant finger at me, spitting with such repugnance and disgust that I was a child of another man.
Oh, the things I would do for that to be goddamn true.
Until now, I still wish I were truly adopted like what my older sister always says. Because to be honest? It's very possible. Sometimes, my sisters would actually say that to their friends and people won't even question it because the fact that I look so different from them serves as sufficient proof that it's legit. To top it off, I'm the only one who doesn't have baby pictures. It just all seems so fishy.. My mom said the house burned before I was old enough to remember things but why were my big sister's pictures back then still intact? Why were mine the only ones missing?
Bah. I swear, being adopted would add some spice and twist into my awfully boring life. I'll absolutely embrace it instead of being dramatic like how it usually goes on TV.
Anyway, I hope our dad doesn't spend the night here tomorrow. Big sissie said he was just going to buy a battery for his car so I hope he just pops in the house for like five minutes. I bet my ass he's going to express his brutal disappointment for my life again and make harsh comments about it, making me want to switch places with our big bro.
Oh dear, brother. Why'd you have to leave us? Must be nice to have another man in the family..
Please don't make dad come home.
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