Everyday, I await his return to the same place we used to play billiards together, hoping the next time I enter, I'd see him bending down onto one of the pool tables, all 6'1 of him, cue in hand, as he makes a perfect shot. And then a humble laugh would brighten up his beautiful face as his opponent makes an awed remark.
Every single day ..
Idk when I'll get tired waiting. Idk when I'll ever stop being crazy in love with him. It makes me sad having this empty space in my heart but quite honestly, right now, I don't want it filled with anything or anyone else. It's his place. And until I fall out of love with him, I'll continue waiting. I'll continue having these moments where I allow myself to be sad as I miss and long for his touch.
—written a year ago, December 7th (2020)
4 months later...
April 5th | Present Year (2021)
Tomorrow, it's your birthday. It seems just like yesterday when we spent the whole night talking about anything. Playing pool, being crazy.. and just being ourselves. Not once faking laughter because all the fun we had was genuine. It was your birthday and I was the first person you spent it with. I had you all to myself. We were just friends then but the freshly developed feelings we hadn't spoken of yet were joyfully dancing with us in the atmosphere. Can't believe it's been a year now.. After all this time, it's still you I think about. Even when I've already met other people to fill up the space you had left, the fact that I try to recreate with them how you and I started speaks volumes on how I still feel for you. I don't know when I'll ever find the same connection we once had. I don't know when I'll ever find the same affection you once had for me.. I miss it. And I miss you. More than you'll ever know.
5 days later...
April 10th (2021)
Tonight, I saw you. And I freaked out cos I'm pretty sure you saw me, too. It was like my whole world dropped before I felt my heart vibrating out of my chest. I immediately turned around and walked out of the place because panic suddenly made me lose all of my senses. It was stupid. Utterly stupid. God, why did I act like that? My hands were practically shaking as I rummaged through my bag for my phone to tell my best friend what just happened.
Just how sad did our story turn out? Before, when I'd see you, my whole face would brighten up as I'd jump to hug you. And you'd always twirl me around because I'm so light and little. Now, it's like I'm afraid to see you ever again because I don't know what to fucking do. I used to be so comfortable around your presence, now it just makes me become so conscious about myself. You suddenly became more gorgeous than ever. You suddenly became so out of reach and it makes me feel like a pathetic loser. After what I've done tonight, I don't know what you think of me anymore. You probably thought I followed you or something so you probably think I'm still crazy about you. Perhaps I am, but.. gah. You really shouldn't have to know.
7 months later...
Present Date (2021) | This Morning
I saw him.
He saw me.
Our eyes met.
We stood there, a few yards away, just looking at each other, as if not knowing what to do.
"Hey," I finally began, uncertain. "I see you." I was surprised by my casualty and the courage to break the silence. And strangely enough, I was calm inside. My heart didn't beat fast like it used to..
He didn't say anything. He just stared at me and smiled the smallest of smiles, then offered a slight nod of acknowledgement. For a moment, he showed hesitance to speak, but then he slowly turned around to walk away. My eyes began to water as I watched his departing back. And then I cried. Not because he ignored me again. But because my fear has finally come true.
It doesn't hurt anymore.