November 05, 2021

 

Dear Diary,


I am having a hard time lately with writing in here. I can never think of anything. 


I cleaned our place and did all the laundry today. It kept me busy most of the day. 


And this is where I have run out of things to say. I am 16 and my life is pathetically boring. 


Weekend plans are as follows:

sleep

eat

sleep some more


Kemper has been bugging me a little bit about communicating my feelings and thoughts. I shouldn't say it is bugging me but he doesn't like it when I close up. 


I am bad at relationships. I close up all the time. He is the opposite. Although, he can definitely avoid answering questions if it involves anything with the club but that has always been the case. 


He pushes me to communicate and talk to him. Probably for the best, especially if this is going to last. 


I don't even know why I keep a diary anymore. I used to do it because it was a way for me to vent, think, document my life. Now I am such a shell of who I was that venting, thinking, or documenting what little that goes on, is too much or exhausting for me. Avoidance is my MO. 


I just go through the motions anymore. That Halloween party we went to, I was relieved we didn't have to wear costumes. I did dress up a bit because we don't go out much and I did it for Kemper. I have been living in my sweat pants and his sweatshirts because they are huge on me and comfort me for whatever reason. The smell of him on them is nice too.


I think if he knew that I spend my days lying in our bed staring at the wall, he would be quite concerned. I spend one day a week cleaning our place and catching up on laundry. The rest of the week I am a zombie who is on auto pilot when it comes to doing anything. 


I clean on a day that he is home to make it look like I am not this hollowed out person. It is a lot of work to keep up the facade. Showering is too much most days. I spend my days worrying about what Kemper would think. For example, what would Kemper think if he knew that I don't care about showering or getting out of bed. 


So weirdly enough, I found some things to write about in here.

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