Dear Patch (Part 2)

[ENTRY 42..✍️]

How could you say you love me and could go on for months not talking to me? How could you say I was your happiness and seem completely fine without me? If you just want sex, you don't have to drop an "I love you" bullshit and insist you mean it cos to be honest, I don't believe in everything that comes out of your mouth anymore.

You just keep on talking and that's the only thing you're good at. And I'm so mad cos the one person I need the most, the same person who claims he loves me, is never here to comfort me at my worst.

I can already hear you say "I'm sorry, boo" in my head. But what's it gonna fix? You disappeared for months. Then came back only to disappear again.

I'm tired.

I'm so, so tired.

I'm so tired of loving you and waiting for you to come back. When you did, I thought I'd be happy. I mean, I was. I was so glad. My heart skipped a beat and I got so excited. But then I looked at you and noticed something different.

I searched for him in your eyes but he's no longer there.. And that was when I realized.. Perhaps he's never coming back. Perhaps I'd never see him again.

Perhaps.. the guy that I love is now left in the past.

And it made me miss him so much cos he made me feel so special. It made me miss him so much cos he would text me everyday. He'd never leave me hanging. He would always cry at the idea of losing me and when he said he loved me, he meant every bit of it. But it seems I could only be with him again through our memories.. A once beautiful past lost in the shadows of sad reality.

You're the sad reality.

The guy who only texts me at his convenience. The guy who says he loves me and doesn't give me much importance at all.

Do you know how many nights I've cried wishing you were here by my side? All the times my walls were on the verge of breaking down, it was you I'd wished for to tell me it was going to be alright. All the times I've thought of giving up, it was you I'd wished for to keep me strong.

It was always YOU.

But then I'd open my eyes and find myself alone. Where were you?

Do you know how much it hurts? Waking up everyday to the sad truth that the person you love is never there for you? It's as if I don't cross your mind anymore.

Is it that hard to check up on me? Do you have to climb eight mountains just to give me a text?

Two months, I heard nothing from you. How could you go on for two months not talking to the person you "supposedly" love?

Cos I can't.

It's hard.

It's so hard.

There's not a day I don't think of you. There's not a day I don't check on my phone waiting for your text with that same little bit of hope I keep in store that you still think of me. And there's not a single day I don't feel sad about it because I miss you so fucking much and it's killing me endlessly.

Maybe it's because I have all the free time in the world to think of you.. Maybe it's because I refuse to move on.. Maybe because I'm still holding onto the possibility that you'd come back and things would go back to how they were before..

But it seems like my song has come true now.

God.. It's all true now.

You say you love me but I don't feel it at all. You say you miss me but your actions say otherwise. Do you not care that I'm hurting? Do you think I'm THAT strong and apathetic not to feel any pain? I might appear like I don't care but deep down, I'm breaking. I just don't show it cos I'm observing you. Finding any trace of sincerity in your words. Analyzing the look in your eyes so I'd know which reaction from me you deserve.

I don't want to tell you what to do cos I want you to do it on your own. But each time I give you a chance to make it up to me, you don't even have a single idea of what you AREN'T doing. You've just become so.. so dense. It's like you suddenly lost the art of caring.

Sometimes, I'd think of telling you how I really feel. But then I'd ask myself.. Do you even deserve it? Do you even deserve to know all this? Do you deserve to know that after all the hurt you put me through, I'm still crazy in love with you? Give me the "Stupidest Girl" award cos there's nothing I deserve more right now. I've always been known for being cool and nonchalant and admitting all this makes me look so pathetic and I don't know if you deserve this honesty at all cos for these past few months, you've been nothing but a complete asshole.

I tried to move on and develop feelings for other guys but it was impossible when my heart was still waiting for that one special person. It was impossible when I was still hoping you'd knock on my door and we'd still be in love. It was impossible when I was still wishing for things to go back to how they used to be..

It was just like yesterday when I saw you for the very first time.. Walking towards me with that cheeky, dimpled smile.

Then I'd open my eyes and it seems so far away. We seem so far away. Everything we had is now lost in the past and it's all so sad cos the only way back there is through our memories.

Things have changed.

What used to be easy,

has become the hardest.

What used to be simple,

has gone so complicated.

What used to be pure love,

now tinged with pain and hatred.

Your sweet words have no effect on me anymore. Your "I miss you's" and "I love you's".. You can shove them up your ass cos they mean nothing to me anymore.

Don't say sorry.

I'm sick of you saying sorry. I'm sick of you saying you love me. And I'm certainly sick of you not doing anything to support what you claim you feel. Your actions don't match your words. You gave promises but promises don't mean shit until done.

I don't know if I can even be friends with you after this.. You were a perfect lover before but now you're just full of shit. Even as a friend, you're also shit.

Do me a favor.

If you truly love me.. please, just leave me alone and don't come back anymore. What's the point when you're just gonna disappear again anyway without saying a word. It's best if you just disappear forever.

Sincerely,

Bliss

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[Originally written 3 years ago: 11.25.18]