I started writing this down around September but never got to finish it until today. It's hard finding the right words. Everytime I try to continue, I always find myself distracted by the scenes I make up in my head. About how things should be right now. About how I'd see you again. Until I just end up daydreaming, amusing my own self and being sad all the same.
I thought I'd be over you by now but I'm only finding myself missing you more and more each day. True, it doesn't hurt anymore but there are days when I choose to be dramatic and indulge myself in pain with the thoughts of you.. With the thoughts of us. To remind myself how much I still love you. It's stupid but it is what it is.
I wonder if you still think of me.. I wonder if we've thought of each other at the same time.. I wonder if you miss me, too.
When you lay with her at night, do you sometimes wish it was me? Do you long for my kiss? My hug? My warmth? My presence? Or am I the only one feeling this way..
I love you. I don't know when I'll ever stop doing so. I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I don't know why it has to be like this.
Remember the days when the only thing we argued about was every time I'd say "Me, too" in response to your "I love you"? You never liked that response. It was never enough for you. You always preferred "I love you, too." And even that, you'd still complain it wasn't complete cos you wanted me to include my endearment for you. And I was always so stubborn but in the end, I'd tell you, "I love you, boo. So much. A million times much." Then you'd make that "aww" sound and tell me: "I love you so much more, baby girl. More than you love me." Then I'd disagree and we'd end up arguing who loved whom more instead.
It was silly, childish, and just downright cringey to probably anyone who'd witness such sappy sentiments, but damn.. I'd go back to those days all the time. Cos now, it's just.. gone.
All of it.
And I regret taking you for granted. I regret all the times I chose to ignore your messages cos I preferred to do something else. Like that one time you tried calling me all night and I never picked up the phone cos I wanted you to think I was sleeping when I was just really having a karaoke..
But you thought I was mad. And you were so scared I might block you so you texted Layla.
You were so scared at the idea of losing me that you cried and gulped the biggest bottle of beer available in your fridge even when you hated drinking. You told me you just had a few shots.. But when Layla let me read the conversation between you two, you told her you drank all of it. And you didn't sleep that night cos you were waiting for me. You blew my phone up with messages till the sun shone, saying sorry for something you had no idea about.
At 8AM, your last text referred to a line from the song I made for you.
"Boo, maybe I don't really matter to you anymore."
I wish, baby. I wish. But it seems like I'm the one who doesn't matter to you now.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel so low. I'm sorry If I ever made you feel like you weren't enough. For trying to fit you in with the image of my ideal man. For underestimating you. For making you feel like you were dumb. I wasn't trying to make you feel that way, I swear. I was just correcting your pronunciation and grammar.. Huhu. I know it's annoying when people do that but it never seemed to be a problem with you cos you made everything seem so funny. And you said you were okay with it but if you thought I thought stupid of you, I'm sorry. I truly am :'(
I'm also sorry if I seemed okay at the idea of losing you. For always telling you what we had was bound to end, that it wasn't permanent. I remember you crying when I brought that up one night when we laid on your bed. You never liked it when I'd do that but man, I was right.
But why did you have to make it all come true so soon? Just when I fell hard. Just when I was not okay losing you anymore.
In all the times we were together, I had always told you "I love you". But never had I said I was in love with you cos I never thought I was.
Not until our relationship had made a complete a hundred-and-eighty-degree turn. When we slowly fell apart.
I didn't know how much I wanted you until you were slowly pulled away from me. I didn't know how much I didn't wanna lose you until you were no longer by my side. I didn't know how much I was in love with you until you were gone. And I certainly didn't know that after everything that's happened.. After all the hurt you put me through.. Here I am. Writing this stupid shit. Telling you I'm still in love with you cos I still fucking am.
Why?
Why do I only realize how much someone means to me when they're no longer here?
I'd always known being with you was trouble but I still dived right in anyway cos I'd always thought replacing you was easy but damn, I thought wrong. I thought so wrong. I'd told you a thousand goodbyes but when it was you who left, it hurt the hardest.
I don't know how you did it. I mean, you're not my happiness. You're not my life. You're not my everything.
But now that you're gone..
It's like a huge part of me is missing.
You were my escape, my excitement. When I wanted to get away from everything, you were my favourite place to visit. You took me somewhere where I'd forget about everything else. When I was with you, nothing else mattered.
I miss that.
So much.
I miss us.
I miss laughing at how lame your jokes were. I miss listening to your stories and how great you were at narrating them.. Grasping my complete attention cos you were just a great and funny storyteller.
Or how you'd say "hi-ho" instead of a simple "hello". How we'd sleep together on the phone.. You, playing music from your speaker so we could listen to the same songs as we'd fall asleep. Me, listening to your breathing and saying "I love you, boo" when I'd hear movements from your end.. And when you'd absentmindedly respond "I love you more, baby girl" in your sleepy voice.. I'd find myself smiling and just content about everything. Even your snores, I miss those. And your farts.. Heh.
I miss it when we'd video call till the sun shone and I'd open my eyes and see you on the screen.. peacefully sleeping. I miss playing Freefire with you. And even billiards. How you loved holding my hand all the time. How you'd lay your arm on the bed cos you wanted me to make it my pillow. But it would get uncomfortable eventually so I'd take it out and roll away from you. But then you'd pull me close and I'd feel hot so I'd roll away again..
If I could just go back in time, I should've stayed in your arms. If I could just go back in time, I should've hugged you tighter.
I miss how I'd steal kisses from you while you were asleep. Or how you'd give me the "magnet tease" where you'd kiss me and when I'd lean in for more, you'd pull back and say: "Magnettt!" Then laugh your head off. I fell so many times for that that I'd grab your face so you couldn't pull away when I'd kiss you hard.
Or that very first night I slept in your room and you were on the floor. I let my head hang on the edge of your bed and said, "Babe, spiderman kiss". And you leant in and kissed me, our heads upside-down. I thought it was so cute.
I miss how the streetlights filter through my window and your abs would shine against the darkness as you laid on my bed. Or how we'd stay in the haunted house and the moonlight would hit the side of your body when you stood up, creating a silhouette of your V-shaped figure as I'd admire it from the back.
And I miss the time when you were driving me to your house in the middle of the night and your bike ran out of gas. We had to walk to your sister's place so you could ask for some fuel. And the way there was far and forest-like: dark, quiet, and creepy. We walked side by side, holding hands as we listened to the sound of the creatures of the night echoing through the woods. Then you told me about the time when someone was shot there and died.. When we passed the area, it got scarier. But I was never afraid cos I was with you. I was never afraid cos I had more fun being with you than being worried about ghosts. It was one of the most memorable nights we had cos it felt like we were in a horror-comedy film. Then we'd stop and kiss in the middle of the road.
It was scarily romantic.
It was the same night where you sneaked me into your house and I got small cuts on my leg cos we took the hard way up amidst bushes and grasses. My feet hurt because of all the walking we had so you gave me your slippers in replacement for my shoes as you pulled me with you up the hill, now barefooted. Then we climbed into your window..
I miss how I would hide under your table whenever someone would knock for entry. How you'd take a seat in front of it then snake your hand underneath to hold mine as we'd wait to be left in peace.
I miss the time you took me by the beach at night with your jacket around me.. Kissing by the shore and holding hands as we made footprints in the sand.. How you carried me even when there were people watching cos you were worried I might get sand in my shoes. You were so cute.
And I certainly miss how we'd shout in the air how much we loved each other as we rushed against the wind on your motorbike, not giving a damn about what the world would think because when we were together, it was just you and I and nothing else mattered.
I miss your laugh.
The dimple on your cheek.
That beautiful straight nose I always loved to boop..
Those plump, red lips..
Your scent..
Your calm and soothing voice and how you can't seem to be mad at anything.
I just miss everything about you.
The first time I went to your hometown, we saw a shooting star by the beach. And the second time I went there, we saw one again. And now everytime I look at the sky at night, all I could think about is you. Everything that played in the background when we were together.. reminds me of you.
Everything that was there.
Every little thing..
The chirping of the crickets..
The sound of the creepy, mysterious bird..
The rain..
The fresh country air..
The motorbikes..
The posters of Taekwondo Classes cos you were a black belt.
Every love song that plays..
And it gives me a little stab in the heart cos everything we had is now left in the past.
Funny how the happiest times could turn into the saddest memories ..
If I had told you we had a chance..
If I had told you I wanted to commit..
If I had told you I was ready to be serious..
Would you have fought for me?
What we had now seems so far away. So far away that replaying all our memories in my head is like remembering the things I used to imagine. As if recalling some made-up scenes.
'Did those all really happen or was it just all in my head?' that kind of feeling.
I remember your touch..
But I forgot what it feels like anymore.
Your kiss..
But I no longer feel it on my lips.
Your perfume..
But I forgot what it smells like now..
Sometimes, the only thing I look forward to is sleeping cos the only way I could see you again is through my dreams. Ugh, that sounded so sad.
I still have the scarf you gave me the first night we met. I used to not give that much importance to it when we were still together (letting it hang around unwashed, using it to cover window gaps).. But now, I keep it in my closet—along with the shirt you gave me—with the same scent I wore when we first met. The same scent I washed it with when I took it with me on our next dates. The same scent my blankets had when we slept underneath it.
Who would've thought having a whiff of Downy Parfum could make my head release a thousand thoughts of you..
Sometimes, I'd press your scarf and shirt onto my face, close my eyes, breathe into it, and bring myself back to yesterday.. Imagining you're right here close to me.. I'd feel my lips curling into a smile.. But then I'd open my eyes and you're not there.
I miss you so much.
I still have your toothbrush in my room, too..
There are so many things I miss.. And it breaks my heart cos those days are gone. I wish I could take them back. I wish I'd met you sooner. I wish I'd held on to you tighter the moment I knew you were that "thing" I was wishing for.
Many years ago, before I even met you.. I'd already asked for you. Before I even wrote songs for you, you were already written in my journals a long time ago. I'd thought of you in a blur. And when that blur finally came into a clear view.. Man, it was an answered prayer. You brought flavours and excitement into my life. You were the adventure I craved for.
Our times together may have been short, but they were the greatest times of my life.
And you're wrong.
Remember the first few weeks we met when you were trying to avoid me cos I told you I'd just forget you cos I forget "temporary people"?
Well, guess what, idiot. You might have only been temporary but you're certainly not just a "people". You're Patch. The guy who defied my standards. The guy whom I never thought I would fall in love with. The guy who's made a permanent spot in my heart.
Your participation in my life might have only been temporary but our memories together remain forever. And I'll treasure that always.
You're not my first love.
But if I'd die tomorrow, you'd be my last.
I hope not.
I still wanna live.
Hehe.
Kidding aside, I want you to know how much you mean to me. I tried to analyze the love I have for you and I came to a realization that..
You're my real love.
And I've never loved anyone like this.
It's funny. The person I was trying so hard to avoid before was the same person I ended up being crazy in love with.. Ha.
It's easy to want someone you already want. Someone you already pictured in your head. But to want someone you don't want.. Someone you never imagined yourself with.. It's gotta be the most mysterious feeling in the world.
Cos it just doesn't make any sense.
I've loved you despite all my shallowness.. And if that's not real love, then I don't know what is.
I love you, boo.
So much.
A million times much.
Thank you for making this year spectacular. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for not giving up when I pushed you away a thousand times. For all the memories and the spontaneous fun, I'll remember that always. You might have hurt me and I might have hurt you, too, but hey.. Love always comes with pain and it's not love if you're not breaking.
It's true, I hate you.
But I love you more.
All the good and the bad in you, I'll always love you more. I hope you're happy wherever you are :)
And just so you know..
If you still think of me and never stopped loving me.. I'm not gonna lie.. I'd welcome you back into my arms.
I'll stop right here cos this has gotten so long now. Besides, I'm certain this won't be my last letter for you. You've become my favourite subject to talk about that I could write endless letters about you. If you only knew about my diary and saw how much content I've written about you there, you'd know how much you truly mean to me ..
That's all for now.
Till next time.
Love,
Baby Girl
[Originally written 3 years ago: 11.07.18]
Present day: This letter is ridiculously long so I won't make further lengthy explanations about it as I did with Don's. Next missive to be imparted is still for the same guy, bearing a tone in full contrast against the sweetness and loving care of this one.