Dear Diary, up again at 3:30am this morning, I can't steep and I'm in constant pain just under my left side ribs. I'm now spiralling down to an all time low. My moods and behaviour are becoming difficult to manage and again I have been told to take time of work for my own well-being. More medication I'm beginning to look like a pharmacy. I'm stuggling with my battle over addiction which always get worse when my moods are so low. I write suicide notes to myself but have no intention to act on it, its just in a strange way it seems to help me cope. I am a born again Christian and I can hear some of you say if that's the case why is your life so f..ked up. Good point. Well I really don't know, I keep calling out from the darkness but can't seem to make that connection I need.