Dear Diary, Today my mom mentioned about my job search that I had been avoiding to think. I really need to do it. but my mind can not. because if I do, i have to think about my advantages or things i’ve achieved. but current me can’t remember what was i before. Current me is just creating-small art-addicted dreamless dreamer. Can’t think about my future which means after next March. My mind told me to disappear again. and i thought it started again. my fear of vacuum cleaner sounds was also back. It strongly connects to my self hate. how? well, i had been told myself lazy and a bad son whenever i find myself still being in my bed at 11 am, 12, 13 pm. And I hear only the sounds of vacuum cleaner which says “you lazy, you failure, useless mouth” to me. That is actually my inner voice and it has been bullying myself.
I told my mom to not tell me about my job search at that time because my mind was starting to be lost in somewhere dark or nowhere. I had to do things by the deadline which was tonight. I explained her and she stopped. and i am living only present which is no good to me in a long term. but my mind was gone already. i took 2h of nap and also took a walk or two.
started to work at 9pm and still not finished. but since i need to sleep at night, i will do it tomorrow maybe. so i can be in my bed at least at one o’clock.
well, other thing… i find a ladybug outside. since it was a cold day, i took her home and went to find plant lice for her. it took like 30 min but i could find only two or three. after i came home, i googled again and found ladybugs also eat egg yolk with honey so i tried. it seemed okay for her.
but i also found that humans house in winter isn’t comfortable to ladybug because the room temperature is likely to change a lot. so they prefer outside 😔I have to say good bye to her soon.