Longing for Understanding


[ENTRY 30..✍]

4:52am. Hah. I notice that I only like to put the time when it's after midnight and before sunrise. My so-called "dark hours", I'd say. I wonder why.. For some reason, I'm just compelled to jot it down when I'm writing at these hours.

Loneliness has come to visit me again. I know I've got friends I can talk to but I fear I'll only bother them. Unlike me, they're busy people. They got lives. It's like I've been casted off to a completely different world and I can't relate to the general struggles of being an adult anymore, nor can they to mine for I've made myself a stranger to the wars out there by hiding behind the fortress of my comfort zone. The same zone where my demons reside. Ironic, eh? Besides, they've got their own worries to clear up a little space in their minds to listen to my own. And it's always gonna be the same, anyway. They'll listen, say they understand, then give advice. See, the thing is, if they understood me, at all, then they wouldn't give me advice in the first place because I didn't ask for it. Everything they tell me to do, I've thought of them already, which they would know if they truly "understand" me. I've got a brain, I'm not entirely dumb. I know how to fix my troubles. I know how to get out of this labyrinth. But there's this force inside my head that's doing everything in its power to stop me from leaving the place I'm stuck in.

I sound so ungrateful, I'm sorry. I know it's the only help they can offer, but..
It doesn't help me at all.
I'm tired of sympathetic understanding :(
I don't want it.

I want a friend who's going through the exact same thing as I am because I know that when they'll look at me, I won't see pity but a complete comprehension of a dearest comrade. And instead of trying to lift each other up with toxic positivity, we'll drown ourselves with the talk of our demons and it's alright. Cos for the first time in our lives, someone, finally.. understands. And maybe we'll even laugh about it because we're not alone in this world anymore. Heck, we can even drown side-by-side as long as we're together.

It's like failing an exam and knowing somebody else failed too, so you no longer feel as bad as before. Or going to a party where everybody knows everybody except you, so you stand awkwardly by the side like a living reject but you try to hide it by going through your phone as if you're texting someone when really, you're just scrolling through nothing at all, opening apps after apps under the pretense of being occupied when the truth is, you're debating whether or not you should just go home. But then you see this one lonesome person standing by the corner across the room, looking as awkward as you. And the moment your eyes meet.. voilà. No explanation needed. You've got your partner for the rest of the night and you just feel so much better not being alone in a crowd of people.

But it's too good to be true, it seems, finding someone who fits your shoe. The two examples I've mentioned above can often happen in real life because fucking up a test, feeling like an alien at a social gathering.. Those kinds of loneliness are almost see-through. Scraping the surface level, if they aren't there already. But this one, however, seems very unlikely to happen. The deeper you hide something, the thicker the cover becomes. So no one can possibly know unless you allow them to look through you. That's why it's harder to find the person with the same deep-seated sorrows that you have than just another failure in a class. Even in this app, where all other people's vulnerabilities are unleashed, I don't see that person at all. I mean, yeah. We're all lonely and in a way, we can relate, but we don't share the same void. You'll always be alone in there unless someone drags you out or you get out of there yourself.

But wouldn't it be nice? To not be afraid of stripping yourself completely naked in front of someone because you don't feel the need to hide? To not be ashamed of showing the rest of who you are because you two are completely alike? (I'm speaking in metaphors, by the way, in case someone took the whole naked thing literally.) No worries about being accepted or not, nor fear of being looked down upon cos fuck, it's just like staring in the mirror. What are the chances of that person existing? I know having someone like that would be too much to ask for if not impossible. But if I do find them, I swear, I'd jump right into their arms and make them my best friend.

For now, this app is the only friend I have whom I can share all my thoughts with. I hope you materialize into a person, Diary. Or into a fairy. Hehe. When I tell you I feel useless, you don't contradict it. You just let me say it because that's how I feel and I'm allowed to feel it.

Honestly, that's one of the reasons why I don't like opening up to someone.

"If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. You can tell me anything. I won't judge :)"

"I feel so useless and worthless that I don't see the purpose of still being alive."

"No.. don't say that."

Ehh.. What? I haven't even told them half of it yet. I know they mean well, but.. Sigh. It's like handing the key to your soul to the wrong person so you've just become more guarded now.

The sun's up already. Till next time.