Dear Diary,
Fair break is something our county does every year, its a week long amusement park that we get out of school for anddd this is what happened that week.
Monday (sort of):
Today or I guess technically this week, I lost a friend.
One I had just made. Kiley, someone I had talked to on and off over the last 4 years and haven't seen each other: recently asked to hang out.
I of course said yes to help relieve some of the constant isolation I'm faced with.
This past Monday I had went over to her house around 10pm and I had a great time.
Even back when we knew each other in school, we had been pretty close friends, at one point crushing on each other and by middle school standards basically were a couple for a week or two.
I liked her back then but as time went on- my crush on her dissipated into an old memory after 8th grade ended and she moved away and I'm content with that but I don't think she feels the same, correction: I know now that she doesn't.
After Monday night Kiley basically ghosted me which was surprising to me because of what she had said before I left. Everything was going great it seemed, we watched movies, caught up on the last 3-4 years, said some jokes and had some laughs but the night was soon coming to an end and I had to be out of the house around 1am because of her stepdads rules. When the time came, it was very apparent that I didn't want to leave and go back to my lonesome- she knew that and said I could "come back tomorrow" which I had fully intended to do but she never invited me again and didn't text much either. Through out this entire week she's barely texted back at all and when she does its usually multiple hours after the initial message.
So yesterday I had about enough of this confusion, I had no idea what happened but I knew something was up so I confronted her with my questions. I asked her why she wasn't texting, why she hadn't invited me over the following Tuesday and just why she ghosted me basically. She responded with: "I just don't feel comfortable with it".
This wasn't the answer I was really expecting and honestly my feelings were aching a little because I took it as if there was something wrong with me or I might've done something that bothered her that night but I doubted the possibility because we didn't really do anything that could've let that happen. Of course I, just like anyone else in my situation would be curious what the reasoning behind her lack of comfortability with me was so I asked.
I asked if it was just me, the fact that I have a ring on my finger, something I did that night, or if it was something else. She said it was because I had a ring on my finger and although I'm not taken by anyone, I wear it because I have my eyes set on somebody and they aren't budging. She knows I'm single regardless of the ring is basically my point here.
The quoted text is:
"just your situation with her"
"I like you but obviously you're not over her so I'm leaving it alone"
This really sucked to hear and shocked me because I swore she told me in text that she had a boyfriend which just reinforced my assumption that she didn't like me.
After Monday I had no idea she liked me and even told others that she didn't like me because I truly believed so. I told her in text before we hung out that I didn't wanna hang if she was gonna catch feelings and she said herself that it wasn't gonna happen so I went along and hung out.
I responded to her text apologizing for the situation and a statement of acknowledgment and understanding of why she wanted to part ways.
I spend a lot of time alone. I haven't had any real friends after I finished freshman year and moved schools. I had one person, a girl that I was dating and she was more than enough, she was all I needed to keep going but we broke up and now I have nobody.
It was nice spending time with Kiley, although the entire time I was thinking about the girl I'm waiting on and wishing that I was with her instead, but it was still fun to finally have a friend again and be able to look forward to the next day again knowing I'd get to hang out with someone.
I told Kiley not to go too far and keep in touch. She answered with "I will" which I was glad to hear. I don't have any unfriendly feelings with her whatsoever but I do care about her, I wish our relationship didn't turn this way and I'm gonna miss her a lot. Unfortunately whether she decided to end this friendship or not, once I found out she liked me that way- I'd have to do it myself if not her. I wasn't gonna give my time to someone that takes it differently than I'm meaning to send it.
Random thought: Reminds me of twilight when Jacob wanted to hold Bella's hand but she pulled away because it meant something different to him, he liked her but she didn't feel the same way so she didn't let him. Of course in my situation the time spent with Kiley represents the hand holding in the movie and what it means to each of us.
Tuesday:
A whole lot of nothing really happened.
The most eventful thing was the cops pulling up to my car at 11pm in a parking lot to
ask why I was sitting at a close business after the town curfew.
They asked for my I.D, a guardians phone number, and then sent me on my way.
Just went home and that's that.
Thursday:
This was about the same as Wednesday but completely uneventful instead.
Friday:
Nothing much happened for most of the day, towards nighttime me and my ex Hailey started texting about something, and she asked when I was going to hang out with her.
I was kinda surprised and taken back- I wasn't against it though. As lonely and like shit I was feeling, I'd hang out with anyone at that point. We would've that night but it was getting late and since I was an hour away, we just waited till tomorrow.
2 random things:
am in a fight with my best friend.
Saturday:
I picked Hailey up around 12pm and we hung out for some hours. Went ALLL THE WAY TO FRICKEN half hour away so she could get "Canes" cuz apparently their chicken is that good.. I disagree... anyways so we did that and then went back to the local area. She had just gotten her license as well- literally 3 days before so she wanted to drive my car, I thought about it for a solid 20 or so minutes bc my car is my life, I eventually let her drive for a bit. We were getting bored so we looked at the movies playing at the nearest theaters and chose "Free Guy" which was honestly disappointing.
Sooo after that, we went again to local towns and I dropped her off at her house.
I went straight to a gas station afterwards because I wanted candy, then when we were texting we came to the conclusion that we could hang out a bit longer because I could just take her to her actual house instead of having to stop hanging early so she can get picked up. She was at her aunts house instead of her actual one that week.
So I took her to her actual house, we hung there for a bit- then went to hang out with her neighbors for a while because they were basically her second set of parents that she adored, anddd yeah that was that.
She asked about hanging out next weekend, I said "yes" but honestly she is so exhausting and frankly annoying. I don't wanna sound rude when saying that but she truly reminds me of an insufferable 12 year old so I'll probably make some stupid excuse why I can't hang out.
Also the first thing she said to me when she saw me was "wow you got cute", which wasn't sarcastic and is obviously flattering but I just found it annoying.
Not only does she have a boyfriend, but that's the first thing she says to me in 2 years and had no consideration as to whether I'd mind it or not.
Also that night while I was driving her home and while she was complaining about her boyfriend, and I talked about how Kiley was ghosting me... literally out of NOWHERE she says: "would you ever date me again?" LIKE WHAT?!!? LOLL PLSSSS after that hoe cheated on me and has like 10 bodies... nah ill pass and I can barely tolerate her presence.
Since nothing is technically impossible I emphasized "very" when I said "Very very very unlikely, like i don't ever see that happening".
LMAO THENNN she said "would you ever be fuck buddies" LIKE OMG WTF IS THIS HOE THINKING---------
Of course I said no while I died laughing as I waved my ring finger with a ring on it in front of her face. I asked her why she blatantly asked those questions and she said
"I just want to know if people like me or not"
I followed with
"well if that's what you were wondering... my answer is no. and If i did like you- we wouldn't be hanging out right now"
She asked why that is, and i said it was because I'm in love with some else.
We arrived at our destination when I said that so the conversation didn't progress much from their, other than just me saying again that it'd never happen.
I'm single, yes... but I treat others as if I'm not and prefer to be treated that way.
I have boundary lines and when I get asked those questions, or get compliments like that, or people don't make their intentions clear- it's extremely frustrating especially when its by someone that knows I have feelings for someone else.
LIKE DOES THIS RING NOT SYMBOLIZE ANYTHING THESE DAYS- THE FUCK?!!
Sunday:
Today is Sunday, and I came home to my moms house because my uncle brought his dog over to my grandma's to be babysat and I TRUELY can not stand that annoying ass dog. It gets into everything and when I got home saturday night- I found a bigass mess because it had gotten into my food even when I took preventative measures so it wouldn't happen.
Then it woke me up at 5 in the fucking morning and I heard nothing but "NIKO, COME HERE NIKO" for 2 hours straight because the dumbass dog ran away again.
So here I am... hours later caught up to present time.
In conclusion:
My fair break fucking sucked.
About 3 hours of Monday, and an 10 minutes of Wednesday was the only parts that weren't hell. UGH I JUST WANNA DIE.
I lost a friend, bothered by cops, spent days worth of time doing nothing and writing on here about how shitty im feeling, spent 6 regrettable hours with my ex, cried, cried a little more, scrolling through social media while it basically slingshot content at me telling me how miserable life is, and trying to battle self harming impulses.
I've hardly got any sleep this week, the nightmares keep waking me up and I've been staying awake to avoid them but these days have been so long and exhausting that sometimes I just pass out and suffer from my mind anyways.
Praying for some freak accident to kill me so I don't see it coming.