Sometimes I wonder if he knows what's happening on my phone.. Because I just wrote an entry about him and then he's suddenly back. Hmm. Sometimes I just really get these silly paranoias. Nothing major but it makes me think. Like what if someone planted a camera in my room or that someone has access to my phone's camera ..
I literally just tilted my phone so the camera is away from my face. Lmao.
Why can't he just disappear forever, anyway? Why does he still lurk around.. Tss. He's probably thinking I'm with someone else now. I wish I was. Must be nice to have someone in this cold weather. Someone to cuddle with.
He's lucky he's got a girlfriend to spoon. For a year now.
Damn.
A part of me hopes they've broken up and that he's miserable. Haha. I'm so evil.
Anyway, he never responded to my last messages anymore so my confusion is, why does he still have Telegram? (The messages were harmless, by the way. They were just questions about Europe because he's European.) Telegram is our main medium for communication and he only has it because of me so why does he still keep it if he's just going to ignore me? It led me to think he might have had moved in with his girlfriend already because before, whenever I'd ask him something, he'd respond immediately. And then a time came when he no longer went active after he'd leave work. Until he just stopped responding anymore even when he'd seen what I sent him.
Does his girlfriend know about me? Does she have access to his phone? He told me that if I ever needed aid with something he could be of help with, I shouldn't hesitate to ask. My last message to him was a question about elementary kids in Europe. He went online but never responded. He didn't even bother to open the message. I suspected he just simply deleted the whole chat. Or maybe it was his girlfriend, I dunno. He'd been absolutely helpful to me before that so it was kinda sad. And now he's back which only stirs my emotions because each time he goes online is like an indicator that he's thinking of me because I'm literally the only contact he has there. And whenever I catch him active, he immediately goes offline. To top it all off, the things he said to me not too long ago insinuated that even though we can't happen now, someday, we'll have our time. He didn't actually say that but his words whisper that implication.
Is he not in love with his girlfriend? Is he only with her to have someone? Because each time he lurks around only feeds the hope that someday, all the plans he used to make for us would come true because after all this time, he still hasn't stopped thinking of me, too.
What if he's already got the girl pregnant?
I'm famished. I only ate once yesterday and today, I only had a piece of bread. I'm not on a diet or anything, I just have no energy to eat. Nah, it's more like I can go on not eating for a day so I don't mind if I don't eat at all. I know, I know. I'm killing myself.
I'm going to tell you more about Mr. European some other time. I never wanted to talk about him here before (at least not in public) because he's one of the sensitive subjects I'm still chary of disclosing. But I always knew I was bound to mention him sooner or later so to hell with it.
I'm just gonna go have dinner now because I feel guilty.
Adios.
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