Dear Diary,
Today I spoke with my national guard recruiter after I told him about my self harm scars.
He asked to see them,
I showed him my left arm, his final conclusion was just that I'll get disqualified because there's so many.
He asked how old they were. I lied and told him they were from when I was 14-15 when they only just healed a couple weeks ago.
He probably didn't believe me because my gf has told him a few things abt me apparently. She told him I recently cut, she told him where other scars on my body were after I told him I only had some on my arm.
I dunno what to think about that, it's obviously an inconvenience that he knows more than I've allowed him to know and it just feels kinda awkward now that he knows I been lying to him.
I don't care enough to tell her to stop but hopefully she does on her own.
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Another thing today, after I dropped her off- I told her I loved her and that I was gonna marry her which she responded to with "mmmm I don't think so".
This kinda hurt my feelings. My initial thought was "does she not want me to take my last name?" but later thought that she might just lack the faith in me to stay hers forever. As difficult as our situation is: I understand that I guess. Though it's a little upsetting that after all I've done for her and after everything we've been through she still doesn't think I'm willing to wait for her.
What will it take?
Time has past, sacrifice has been made, tears have fallen, and lies were told.
What more must I do?
I guess time and reassurance are my only resources to give.
I'll never leave and I'll never let her go.
Proving her wrong is what she wants me to do and proving her wrong is just what I will do then.