Dear Diary,
I slept a lot today. And I didn't do much work today. Since I had covid, I have a certain aversion to eggs. I can't stand the taste and smell of it. It's been like that for two to three months now., But today I ate egg chicken roll, it had lot of flavour and other things so the taste of eggs was not much prominent so I could eat it.
I don't feel so good. I used to be a very nice person but with a lot of mental issues. But now I resolved most of those issues, but now I have new ones, which were never there in the first place. Like my certain drive to be rich and successful, and always thinking of how to earn more and working too hard. It stems from the fact that my ex treated me like I was not good enough, it hurt my self esteem. He always cared for money only and at some point I feel if I earned a lot more, he wouldn't have treated me with that much disrespect. Usually men go through such feelings I guess, and then obviously I have lost my faith in love. I don't want to be sexist, but deep down I have started to feel hatred for men. Like my mind thinks men are bad in general. Sure there are exceptions, but it's not the rule.
My father is an alcohol addict, who never did anything for us, every work my mom has to manage always. He spents most of his money on alcohol. If not for mom, we won't be anywhere, most probably in the streets. I don't we would have had even college education without my mom. Anyways, thats there. But he is mentally ill so I don't blame him completely. Then my exes, every one of them turned out to be assholes. And the list goes on. I even dream of dating women nowadays. I know deep inside that there are good people too, but I think I don't care. Only those people are good who don't have anything else to offer. Like if a guy has looks and money, he just thinks he doesn't need to be a good person anymore.
And its not just guys, I guess everyone is like that. People tell me , that I am good looking but I don't have any attitude, in a way that it is not normal. My ex also told me this the last time we met. As if just because I am pretty and have good education I should have lots of attitude. So, this world is really sick. I don't think I am that good looking anyways. There are so many good looking people out there. My point is, most people care about looks and money. Parents nowadays don't teach their kids to be good person , they want them to be rich and successful . My mom always wanted me to be a good person above everything else. But now my desire to be a good person is getting reduced.
I don't think I want to be with anyone in my life again.
At the end of the day, I wish I get over this negativity. I become a better person not a worse person. But it would take some time. I feel good when many people don't think I am unsuccessful, and that it's just a journey and it is just started. I think I should try to take it that way.