have a smoke


Dear Diary,

sometimes when im stressed out, or ive just finished bawling my eyes out crying, i'd take a really deep breath and say to myself that i could use a cig. Then I'd imagine I had one on my mouth as I inhale the biggest breath.

the irony is, i hate people when they smoke in front of my face. Hate the smell of it, if i knew a guy who wanted to date me i would prefer someone who'd take a juul instead. I think it's disrespectful. A couple of my closest relatives have smoked and I always reprimanded them, especially my mom. But when I get too stressed out I think a casual stick would be like a cherry on top to my demise.

But realizing it now, I think it would make me turn more like my mom. If youve been reading a lot of my entries you know my relationship w her. I'm similar yet so different to her. That's why it terrifies me. It gives me vibes that I'm not gonna be successful just like her-and I don't want that.

I don't want to be a drug-taker. But I know for a fact that having a cigarette can somehow calm you down, and I never admittedly say this, but I need saving. I've watched this cute film "Yesterday", and at the end I muttered, "oh but if love can save me". It echoes on my head right now even 30 mins after i finished the movie. 

can love save people, is that possible. last time i tried saving someone i was the one who drowned, maybe still drowning. The only miracle people say is when they give birth to a child, finally finish a degree, get cured of cancer or win the lottery. People can get married but not celebrate their love. Why don't i see a lot of people celebrate love as huge as these things, if love can cure people.

I wonder.

I could use a cig right now.