September 15, 2021


Dear Diary, today I was in quite a panic for a pretty stupid reason, but I can't change how I feel. So I previously talked about how I was going to watch The Suicide Squad with Knight on Saturday, right? Well it turns out that the movie was pulled from theatres here, because it apparently tanked at the box office. I do not understand this, the movie has great reviews and it is made by James Gunn who also did the Guardians movies. It has only been in theatres here for 6 weeks! Freaking Black Widow is in week 10! There is a German version of it in a different cinema still  but Knight prefers English a lot.

Its probably because people associate the movie with the terrible Suicide Squad movie from 2016. But if they had done their freaking research they would have noticed that this isnt even a sequel!

So because of this I wrote knight this morning, because I checked the website and saw that the movie is pulled. And I said that we could see Dune as a replacement. She didnt answer me until 20:00 and said that she will Dune with her friends tomorrow at 17:30. This is why I panicked. I am terrible at being spontaneous and I usually plan everything at least 2 days in advance. I was really looking forward to Saturday and I played out in my head how it was going to go for the last week. But now everything was going to be different. It was a different cinema, a different movie different people.

Of course I also had thought about how it would be if she hugged my in the middle of the movie or something. I just cant help myself in that regard, I know she rejected me, but this is just what I do. The fantasies would be so much better if she hadnt rejected me yet though. I also worried about my appearence because I dont like my hair when I just washed it. Its probably because of the blowdryer. It becomes really puffy. But I really like using the blowdryer ever since I was a kid so it is a dilemma. Even if I didn't use it I couldnt be sure how my hair would look. But if I didnt wash it it might look greasy. For Saturday I had planned the perfect time to wash my hair beforehand but that wasnt an option now.

So I talked with my mom about it (I know I'm pathetic, haha) At first it was just about what I was going to eat tomorrow, which we always plan in advance too. But she always notices when something is wrong with me in that regard. So I told her my reasons. If I did do it I would have to worry about all that stuff. But if didnt do it, I would regret it because there was no REAL reason not to do it. She did pretty well talking with me. She said that the eating stuff wouldnt be a problem (although she later still asked what I wanted to eat, which put pressure on me again) She said that I should just do what feels right, which is easier said than done. She even guessed that it was about a girl, I guess the hair thing made it obvious.

So after a lot of thinking I decided that I would do it and wash my hair now without blowdrying it. I wrote Knight and started washeing my hair. After a while she wrote me back and showed me the seats that were left. She and her friends had reserved seats (I think you have to do that right now) and there were no seats next to theirs. That sucked. There was one in front of them, but then I would just block their view. After a bit I decided that I wouldnt go after all. Because if I was just sitting somewhere in the same cinema it wouldnt feel like watching a movie together. She understood. I wished her fun tomorrow.

This probably comes off as really weird  why do I worry so much about waht she thinks of me and why am I panicking when somthing goes off plan? I could go deeper, but not today. But those are things that were always the case with me. You might ask how I managed to be spontaneous last summer with Belle. It wasnt easy, but I basically arranged my life in a way that I was always ready to be spontaneous. So I expected that she would want to meet immediately or something. And still it was somthing that brought tension between us, because I still wasnt ready often and said no. She was the exact opposite. Planning things made her feel tied down and like maybe would have to break the promise, which she was afraid of.

Oh and by the way. I gave that girl on Bumble a like the other day. She never wrote. I gave her the extra day to write too. Of course I had a lot of fantasies about her already too. It probably wouldnt have worked out anyway though, because looking at her instagram she really loved travelling. Even during the pandemic she travelled to a lot of places. No tourist traps though  she really seemed culturally interested. Travelling is something that always devides me from other people. Even in school I always dreaded thos damn "Tell everyone about your vacation" classes after the holidays. My family did not have a lot of money so we rarely travelled. Well my mom and dad didnt like each other that much anymore, that was probably the main reason. They actually liked travelling, especially my dad. But I never really saw the point. When I did do it, it felt a lot more stressfull than staying at home. You have to stay at a hotel and go on a plane and everything is timed. Yes different cultures are interesting, but its still the same world in another country. Trees are trees and rocks are rocks. Its not like there are different atoms there.

I actually would like to travel to places like Japan that I'm really interested in. But I would prefer to do it with someone I really like. Either a girlfriend or a very close friend. But I dont have that nor much money so I dont travel casually. Thqt devides me from most people though  at least in Germany. Travelling at least once a year is almost a religion here. And the kind of smart girls I'm interested in do it too of course. I dont know why these types of girls are so often very cosmopolitan. Probably because they want to broaden their horizon, which I can understand.

It sucks for me though because I will seem boring to the girls who are otherwises my equal when it comes to intellect. (how vain of me I know) My fantasy for the bumble girl was for her to invite me to play videogames with her. Maybe learn Japanese together too. Oh well.

I wish you all the best!