Dear Diary,                       

Fuck emotional pain.  Fuck the mess I am.  

I'm exhausted from just being me.  The only peace I'll know is death and that's so tremendously sad to me. Why can't happiness be in my deck of cards? A life of feeling empty and never loved enough is worse than a death sentence.  It's an agonizing pain that rips away at you. Physically,  mentally,  emotionally,  it ruins every part of you until you're choking on misery and feeling hopeless.  

Fuuuuuuuck. I just want to crawl out of my own skin.  Be someone with a normal brain... a healthy brain.  Imagine how great that would be? Even for just a day..  a person without trauma... a person without BPD or anxiety or depression.... just a real WHOLE person. I often daydream about what that feels like.  Happiness is a luxury that's always right out of reach for me.  Feeling true love is just past my fingertips. 

This life is so hard.  So hurtful. But giving up is even harder so I just push thru it all.  Living each day in a slow hell.  Drowning in mental health while everyone on the outside thinks I'm so funny and outgoing and such a people person.  

If only they knew.....

They wouldn't believe it anyways