Dear Diary,
Its been a month or so since I've last written here. I stopped before because I didn't want the app on my phone, I was scared to show her my thoughts.
A lot has happened.
I guess I'm coming to write now though because I lost her and I have nobody to express my feelings to. I thought she wanted me, I thought she'd wait, I thought she was the one for me and to be honest I still do. I feel like life is giving me a tough route to my destination and I don't know what my next turn is.
I gave her all of me, I let her in completely like nobody ever has been only to hear "I won't be around next year". WHY am I never good enough? 4 Relationships, 4 girls and none of them want to stay around. What am I doing wrong?
She has had feelings for someone else for a long time, I caught her feelings for him this past July. I was hoping they'd fade but it would seem they've only grown stronger. I told her last night that I'm living in constant paranoia that she is more than friends with him, that statement was later followed by "he kissed me". I of course asked her how she reacted and she said she kissed him back but cried.
I imagine the crying was out of guilt possibly? I didn't ask why she cried, I was scared of her answer. I didn't wanna see "because I don't want to hurt you", or something. This screams clearly to me that she wants him but doesn't want me on her guilty conscious.
Sigh, maybe I should just encourage her to go after him. It'd go against everything I want, everything I dreamed of with her, it'd be throwing away our past and future as if it meant nothing and was for nothing but I want her to be happy even if its at the expense of my own happiness.
I cry and cut a lot, so much. I've cried more in the last month than I have in many years.
I'm not happy, she claims she wants me to be, I can't be happy- not without her.
She's all I had, and for some reason she thinks I'd be happier without her when in reality I'd be 10x worse.
I'm a burden on her life even if she doesn't realize it, I'm in the way of the things she wants and my existence has strained on her happiness for a while. I guess its time to just stop being selfish and put my desires aside.
If I hold too tight- she'll slip away faster so I just gotta be here for whatever she needs and I guess leave her if she wants me gone.
God I love her so much, all I want in this world is to be happy with her sharing my last name. Thats all I want :(